A journey of faith is never flat, it has ups and downs.
However, it is faith who keeps me walking on the right track of life.
To be better and maturer person.
I received Jesus when I was like 11 years old and it was my very first love with Him. Life was so much beautiful and I always wanted to spend my whole life with Him according to His will and plan.
As I grown up, I faced many things that made my faith turned down.
From friends, church, family, and even my own desires.
As the result, I have been very moody. Sometimes I wanted to say what inside my heart but I just could not because many considerations in my heart.
Time flies by and I attend college now.
Many ambitions and dreams in my heart that I really wanted to achieve. I gave my all to go for them. Many tears were poured, sweat shredded, my heart was broken and cracking of friendship.
The peak of all was when I had been sick for few months. I was hospitalized twice, visiting doctors many times, not feeling very well in most of my days.
At the end, I did not what I wanted.
It took time for me to understand and finally I realized it was useless.
The dreams could be very good and positive dream. However, as it is written in The Bible
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways." says The Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9, NKJV).
For me, life was all about me. All the ambitions which were good in the sight of men actually was bad in the sight of God. The motivations behind all of those desires might be a willingness to earn honor and praises from human which is an arrogant character and God dislikes it.
In other side, I desired to obtain all those achievement because I wanted to make my parents, friends, supporters, and whoever to be proud of me.
In fact, as a believer and are committed to Jesus, our lives do not belong to us any longer, but to God wholly.
I questioned my self and God
"why God"
"why Rach?"
I lived my life in the wrong way. I took the control meanwhile God was just a body guard. I did not enjoy my life and I was so tired and SICK of it.
Not to mention many times I was thinking to commit suicide. That's how ambition makes you ugly and dying.
I keep searching for the right answer of
who am I?
why am I supposed to be here?
what should I do?
why am I alive?
Those were my questions.
The way God answers us is very unpredictable and very creative.
God could use anyone we never expected to be the answer for us. For me, when I went to G12 Conference in Singapore, my heart was touched and put burning fire to love Him again,
and as I walk to keep my faith God teaches me with many things through many people.
For all people, changing the paradigm is not an easy thing to do, same like me. I tend to be dominant and insist with my own opinion. For me my way is my way and I will take the consequences of it. The problem arises when I found that my opinion are somehow does not work with many conditions.
And God knows this problem and He helps me to deal with this.
One day someone I know from facebook chatted with me and he said many things that surprisingly was true about me. I was wondering but we kept going on the conversation. He came up with few question that became a big question to me.
The conversation ended but the question was still remaining in my mind and my heart. I seek for God guidance to understand all of these things that actually I have been seeking for.
It took times for me to think and make a decision. I try to remembered all the verses I knew and meditated them. After all, I found something and decided to start my live all over again in terms of idealistic and paradigm. I have learnt that no matter whatever is it, when I asked Jesus to save me and became The Lord of my life, I became His slave and He is my master. He has control of all my life and I should lay down all my prides, ambitions, and life.
I knew that but I missed about the ambitions one. I might give my life, but not my ambitions. So, I decided to gave up all my ambitions and willingness at the cross. All in sudden I feel my life was very easy and there's joy.
Now, as my commitment to Him to give up my life, I should behave like a humble man before Him and it is my responsibilities to seek after His heart and His willingnes in my life.
"what is the gain for man if has all the world but not his soul?"
even Apostle Paul said that what he had considered as honor were a rubbish as he knew Jesus.
Those quotes encourage me time to time as I walk in my faith.
so what should I do as I graduate?
I have no idea honestly. But this question will always make me to seek after my Master desires upon my life. He is my Big Boss so He will let me know whatever He wants me to do.
Deep inside my heart, I know that God willingness upon me is for me to be blessed, have an abundant life, fulll of graces and mercies.
Moreover God says He will provide my needs like food, clothes, and many things. He gives peace and love, joy and happiness. What else should I seek? He even provides me house in Heaven.
Above all of those things, it is written that “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
Now, I lay down all the ambitions that I had run for and let God lead my way. I simply believed that promotions come from God. It does not matter how good I am or how much talents I have had, but if I never hand them all back to Jesus, they will never be multiplied and blessing to others just as the story of 5 loaves of bread and 2 pieces of fish. If the young kid never handed his meal to Jesus, maybe all those multitudes which were more than 5000 people were never be fed.
Would you do same thing like I did?
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Surat Kupu-kupu untuk Hujan
Surat Kupu-kupu Untuk Hujan
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Today at 8:51pm | Edit Note | Delete
Dear Hujan,
Bagaimana kau yang mencintai awan merasa cemburu ketika awan mencintai bulan?
Namun kau pun mencintai bulan...
Cinta..
Cinta yang kumaksud ini bukanlah cinta Eros, Hujan..
Kau jangan salah sangka dulu.
Hujan,
Aku sayang pada awan, tapi mengapa awan selalu diam.
Saat minggu singgah, kusapa awan "semoga harimu menyenangkan"
namun awan diam sahaja...
Ketika senin pun tiba, kusapa lagi "Awan, apa kabarmu? aku merindukanmu."
awan tetap diam tak membalasku yang menunggu jawabnya.
Hujan,
perasaanku sangat galau saat aku sakit, aku menunggu awan mengunjungiku. Namun awan tak kunjung datang..
hatiku kacau saat hari ulang tahunku aku menunggu ucapan selamat darinya.
Dan ketika ku bertanya "Awan, mengapa kau lupa hari ulang tahunku.."
Jawabnya "supaya kau semakin dewasa, kupu-kupu.."
Hujan,
aku tidak mengerti awan.. yang kutau aku sayang awan dan awan (kuyakini walau sukar) juga menyayangiku.
Hujan,
Aku juga sayang pada bulan dan matahari.
Awan juga..
tapi hujan, sepertinya awan lebih sayang kepada bulan dan matahari ketimbang padaku.
Lihatlah hujan, betapa akrabnya mereka.
Sedangkan aku, seperti ada jarak antara kami.
Dan akupun tak pantas untuk cemburu karena hatiku juga untuk matahari dan bulan.
Hujan,
Ketika awan diam, aku teringat pada pelangi.
Ya pelangi..
untuk semua waktu yang kami habiskan bersama-sama
canda
tawa
cerita
duka
9 hari untuk selamanya.
Ah Hujan,
mungkin kau tak mengerti isi suratku ini
atau kau capek mendengar curahan hatiku ini
Hujan,
yakinkan aku kalau awan tak pernah pilih kasih.
salam,
kupu-kupu
Friday, May 21, 2010
A few-second sight that last for years
Setujukah kau kalau kisah yang paling dinikmati adalah kisah roman antar manusia? Manusia pada hakekatnya diciptakan untuk berinteraksi satu dengan yang lain dan itu melibatkan emosi. Ya emosi: marah, senang, benci, suka, sayang, geli, kaget.. semuanya bagian dari emosi. Tetapi emosi yang paling indah adalah emosi saat manusia jatuh cinta.. Cinta.. when was the first time you fall in love? Me? yeah.. hmmm... .. Okay, I didnt know when was the first time I'm falling in love but as I remember I had many crushes since I was in kindigarten untill in high school. But as I attended college.. Love became bias. Ada banyak kisah cinta yang kedengaran picisan, namun tak sedikit juga yang menjadi mahakarya bahwa cinta itu abadi. Tetapi cinta itu irrasional.. seperti kata Agnes Monica, kadang tak ada logika. Cleopatra dan Anthony.. mereka berdua mati karena keracunan cinta. Ga tau ya cinta disini benar-benar cinta atau malah cinta yang merupakan merek pestisida pada saat itu.. hehehehe Atau Romeo dan Juliet? sampai maut memisahkan, cinta mereka tetap abadi (kata Shakespeare) Oya, ada juga Edward Cullen dengan Bella Swan. Ini lebih edan lagi karena si cantik Bella rela menukar nyawanya menjadi vampire. Masih banyak kisah cinta yang menggugah emosi kalau diceritakan.. tetapi apakah semua itu nyata? atau hanya isapan jempol belaka? Okay, lupakan sejenak mereka-mereka yang notahbene kita ga kenal. Aku ada cerita tentang cinta.. Iya Cinta yang memang tak ada logika.. Kisah ini terjadi saat aku masih duduk di kelas 2SMA. Saat itu aku mengalami penurunan prestasi di sekolah karena masalah pribadi dan kehilangan arah apa tujuan dari sekolah. Mungkin kalian ga menyangka kalau saat itu aku benar-benar tidak peduli dengan sekolah ku. Tetapi saat itu aku mulai aktif dan bertumbuh di gereja. Di gereja, aku memiliki pelayanan sebagai dancer, pianis, dan interpreter karena di gerejaku sering banget tamu-tamu dari luar negeri datang dan mengajar jadi gereja memerlukan penerjemah indonesia-english and vice versa. Puji Tuhan saat itu aku tergabung dalam tim penerjemah. Aktif di pelayanan pemuda, kamu dikabari "Tim musik dari California akan melayani dan mengajar". Maksudnya ya gerejaku. Aku diberitahu akan kabar itu untuk mempersiapkan diri sebagai interpreter. Tak ada persiapan khusus, standard saja. Hari H pun tiba 14 Juli 2005 Selepas ibadah puasa,aku dan beberapa teman menuju wisma gereja untuk bertemu tim dari CA. Kami tiba.. satu persatu mereka menunjukkan diri.. SC, sebagai tim leader saat itu berumur 18 tahun, berperawakan tinggi, typical ABC (american born chinese), pemain gitar handal B, sahabat SC, agak tanned, ABC juga, pemain drum dan.. ini dia nih bintang filmnya. Saat dia muncul, aku merasa darah di kepalaku turun ke kaki dan secepat kilat diisi darah dari kakiku menuju kepala. Aku sangat nervous dan.. malu >,< Namanya MC, adiknya SC. Umurnya 16 tahun, mukanya mirip-mirip Aaron Choo, playful, dan paling childish. Dia adalah pemain Bass.. Sejak pertemuan pertama kami, aku mulai tidak mengerti diriku. Mengapa aku nervous, mengapa jantungku berdegup? Trus mengapa aku merasa badanku terserang demam tetapi termometer tidak menunjukkan angka-angka merah.. mengapa? Aku mulau uring-uringan.
Mungkin mataku saat itu seperti ini ya saat melihatnya.15 Juli 2005 Ibadah Kaum Muda.. Tim CA membawakan beberapa lagu rohani. Waah, MC cute banget loooh ^^. Oiya, setelah mereka nampil, SC membawakan firman Tuhan tetapi saat itu bukan aku yang nerjemahin, tetapi salah satu temanku. I was blushing and excited becouse of.. him. Malam itu aku tidak bisa tidur. Aku harus berkenalan dengannya lebih jauh lagi dan aku harus mengambil fotonya. Tapi aku ga punya kamera saat itu. Hmm.. gimana ya? 16 Juli 2005 Ibadah Minggu Aku bertugas melayani sebagai dancer. Tim CA juga mendapat kesempatan untuk share kepada jemaat. Saat ibadah kelar, aku ingin ke toilet. Saat dijalan aku berpapasan dengan... MC. Wow.. deg-degan! Tapi aku harus berani. Ia melihatku dan.. tersenyum padaku *rasanyaakumelayang* blushing.. lalu, "hey, good job!" katanya.. aku pun membalasnya dengan tersenyum sipu. Ternyata dia mengenalku. Lalu "may I take your picture?" Ntah dari mana keberanian untuk mengatakan itu datang mengingat aku sangat pemalu. lalu Ia pun menggangguk dan click! fotonya berhasil aku dapatkan!. Asyiik! Aku menggunakan HP mamaku yang memiliki kamera. hehehe.. ada niat ada jalan. Tul ga? 17 juli 2005 and go on.. Aku dan teman-teman di gereja sering latihan musik bersama tim CA. Aku sering mendampingi SC saat dia memimpin sesi latihan. Disela-sela latihan aku sering bertemu pandang dengan MC. Lalu kami saling menatap barang beberapa detik. Saap. Aku memalingkan muka dengan pipi yang terasa panas. Aku tak sanggup fokus pada latihan piano ku. Dasar. Disaat yang lain setelah latihan dia menghampiriku dan menepukl pundakku lalu kami mengobrol sebentar. Aku pun berhasil mendapatkan emailnya dan poto-poto candid lainnya. ~ 2 minggu tidak terasa dan tim CA harus kembali ke Amerika. Besok mereka akan berangkat jadi hari ini adalah hari perpisahan. Aku dan seorang temanku pergi ke wisma tempat ia tinggal. Lalu mengucapkan pamitan kepada SC, B, dan MC. Saat aku bersalaman dengan SC dan B tak ada yang terjadi. Namun saat aku menyalam MC, kami bertatapan untuk beberapa detik dan tangan kami tetap bersalaman. Aku yakin dia memiliki sesuatu yang ingin ia ucapkan. Demikian juga aku.. ketika lidah kelu untuk berkata-kata, mata dapat menyampaikan isi hati ini.. dan aku yakin itu. Ah, aku memang pemalu terhadap seseorang yang aku taksir. Dan itu terus terjadi sampai sekarang. SC melihat kami lalu kami pun melepaskan tangan kami lalu menguncapkan "Bye, till we meet again." Entah kapan.. If we ever met again 28 juli 2005 He's gone back to CA.. there's a deep regret in me not because I couldnt tell him about my feeling but because I was too shy to hang around with him. Sudahlah Kuakui, aku jatuh hati pada MC. It might be love at the first sight, but... I admire him. Aku mengorek-ngorek informasi tentang dia dari teman-teman yang tinggal di wisma yang sama dengannya. Kata mereka, dia itu.. bangun pagi-pagi dan saat teduh.. jaga jarak dengan cewe mature and I like(d) him anyway. Seperti lagu Avril Lavigne.. "when you're gone the pieces in my heart's missing you.." Yes, I miss him and I wanna meet him again. But how? California is very far.. Aku merenung dan memutar otak untuk beberapa saat dan akhirnya aku menemukan jawabannya kalau aku harus rajin belajar, rajin ke gereja, supaya kuliah di Amerika dengannya. YA!!!! Akhirnya aku menjadi FREAK~ Aku yang dulunya malas bangun pagi, kini bangun lebih pagi dan berdoa syafaat serta saat teduh. Aku yang dulunya malas belajar, kini aku memforsir diriku belajar sangat giat. Aku menutuop hati terhadap semua pria-pria yang mendekatiku dan agak dingin pada mereka. Ga sia-sia.. Aku yang ranking 23 menjadi ranking 1 dikelas. Aku dipercayai memegang beberapa tanggungjawab di gereja Aku mendapat promosi dalam pekerjaan sampinganku. Life is so beautiful.. It didn't stop there.. Perasaanku terhadap MC itu yang membakar aku untuk menjadi though, gigih, jaga hati dan karakter, dan mengejar cita-cita untuk sekolah di Amrik. Prestasiku di sekolah semakin cemerlang.. aku ga usah sebutin satu-satu ya, but the power of love has changed me with God's intervention indeed. MC.. because of you my live has changed. Aku pun mendaftar ke Amerika. Aku tes, aku wawancara, dan.. aku lulus. Namun, orang tua ku belum mengijinkan untuk pergi kesana. Dan akupun taat... keinginan itu aku pending setahun dan berharap lulus SMA aku akan melamar lagi dan berharap diterima. Aku terus belajar dan gigih.. Aku masih merindukan MC. Setahun berlalu, dan kululusan SMA diambang mata. Aku pun mulai melamar ke Amrik lagi.. tetapi Ayahku tak merestui keinginan ini. Aku diam tak bisa berkata apa-apa.. Pupuslah harapanku untuk ke Amrik dan menemui MC. Ada sedikit kekecewaan berbekas dihatiku, karena pengorbananku selama ini dengan tekun belajar aku tidak memiliki waktu bermain. Harga yang aku bayar cukup mahal.. Walau aku tidak bisa ke Amrik, tetapi aku diterima di kampus ini dengan cara yang luar biasa dan aku patut mensyukuri itu.. Ah Mc, If only you knew that our meeting 5 years ago had changed my life... ~ Akhirnya aku menemukan FB MC dan kami sempat berkoresponden. Ternyata dia sudah memiliki pacar yang cantik. Saat aku mengetahui itu aku sedikit cemburu tetapi aku juga senang karena ia mendapatkan seseorang yang lebih baik daripada aku. ~ Kalau sekarang perasaanku padanya tak lagi perasaan yang sama seperti 5 tahun yang lalu, tetapi sebuah grateful karena few-second sight yang ia berikan padaku last for years. ~ Kini aku agak malas kuliah nih.. mungkin Tuhan sebaiknya mempertemukan aku dengan MC-MC yang baru supaya aku semangat lagi belajarnya. Seperti kata Pak Paul, "people respons to incentive" isn't it? ~ Have you found your MC, friends? xoxo Thaya
Mungkin mataku saat itu seperti ini ya saat melihatnya.15 Juli 2005 Ibadah Kaum Muda.. Tim CA membawakan beberapa lagu rohani. Waah, MC cute banget loooh ^^. Oiya, setelah mereka nampil, SC membawakan firman Tuhan tetapi saat itu bukan aku yang nerjemahin, tetapi salah satu temanku. I was blushing and excited becouse of.. him. Malam itu aku tidak bisa tidur. Aku harus berkenalan dengannya lebih jauh lagi dan aku harus mengambil fotonya. Tapi aku ga punya kamera saat itu. Hmm.. gimana ya? 16 Juli 2005 Ibadah Minggu Aku bertugas melayani sebagai dancer. Tim CA juga mendapat kesempatan untuk share kepada jemaat. Saat ibadah kelar, aku ingin ke toilet. Saat dijalan aku berpapasan dengan... MC. Wow.. deg-degan! Tapi aku harus berani. Ia melihatku dan.. tersenyum padaku *rasanyaakumelayang* blushing.. lalu, "hey, good job!" katanya.. aku pun membalasnya dengan tersenyum sipu. Ternyata dia mengenalku. Lalu "may I take your picture?" Ntah dari mana keberanian untuk mengatakan itu datang mengingat aku sangat pemalu. lalu Ia pun menggangguk dan click! fotonya berhasil aku dapatkan!. Asyiik! Aku menggunakan HP mamaku yang memiliki kamera. hehehe.. ada niat ada jalan. Tul ga? 17 juli 2005 and go on.. Aku dan teman-teman di gereja sering latihan musik bersama tim CA. Aku sering mendampingi SC saat dia memimpin sesi latihan. Disela-sela latihan aku sering bertemu pandang dengan MC. Lalu kami saling menatap barang beberapa detik. Saap. Aku memalingkan muka dengan pipi yang terasa panas. Aku tak sanggup fokus pada latihan piano ku. Dasar. Disaat yang lain setelah latihan dia menghampiriku dan menepukl pundakku lalu kami mengobrol sebentar. Aku pun berhasil mendapatkan emailnya dan poto-poto candid lainnya. ~ 2 minggu tidak terasa dan tim CA harus kembali ke Amerika. Besok mereka akan berangkat jadi hari ini adalah hari perpisahan. Aku dan seorang temanku pergi ke wisma tempat ia tinggal. Lalu mengucapkan pamitan kepada SC, B, dan MC. Saat aku bersalaman dengan SC dan B tak ada yang terjadi. Namun saat aku menyalam MC, kami bertatapan untuk beberapa detik dan tangan kami tetap bersalaman. Aku yakin dia memiliki sesuatu yang ingin ia ucapkan. Demikian juga aku.. ketika lidah kelu untuk berkata-kata, mata dapat menyampaikan isi hati ini.. dan aku yakin itu. Ah, aku memang pemalu terhadap seseorang yang aku taksir. Dan itu terus terjadi sampai sekarang. SC melihat kami lalu kami pun melepaskan tangan kami lalu menguncapkan "Bye, till we meet again." Entah kapan.. If we ever met again 28 juli 2005 He's gone back to CA.. there's a deep regret in me not because I couldnt tell him about my feeling but because I was too shy to hang around with him. Sudahlah Kuakui, aku jatuh hati pada MC. It might be love at the first sight, but... I admire him. Aku mengorek-ngorek informasi tentang dia dari teman-teman yang tinggal di wisma yang sama dengannya. Kata mereka, dia itu.. bangun pagi-pagi dan saat teduh.. jaga jarak dengan cewe mature and I like(d) him anyway. Seperti lagu Avril Lavigne.. "when you're gone the pieces in my heart's missing you.." Yes, I miss him and I wanna meet him again. But how? California is very far.. Aku merenung dan memutar otak untuk beberapa saat dan akhirnya aku menemukan jawabannya kalau aku harus rajin belajar, rajin ke gereja, supaya kuliah di Amerika dengannya. YA!!!! Akhirnya aku menjadi FREAK~ Aku yang dulunya malas bangun pagi, kini bangun lebih pagi dan berdoa syafaat serta saat teduh. Aku yang dulunya malas belajar, kini aku memforsir diriku belajar sangat giat. Aku menutuop hati terhadap semua pria-pria yang mendekatiku dan agak dingin pada mereka. Ga sia-sia.. Aku yang ranking 23 menjadi ranking 1 dikelas. Aku dipercayai memegang beberapa tanggungjawab di gereja Aku mendapat promosi dalam pekerjaan sampinganku. Life is so beautiful.. It didn't stop there.. Perasaanku terhadap MC itu yang membakar aku untuk menjadi though, gigih, jaga hati dan karakter, dan mengejar cita-cita untuk sekolah di Amrik. Prestasiku di sekolah semakin cemerlang.. aku ga usah sebutin satu-satu ya, but the power of love has changed me with God's intervention indeed. MC.. because of you my live has changed. Aku pun mendaftar ke Amerika. Aku tes, aku wawancara, dan.. aku lulus. Namun, orang tua ku belum mengijinkan untuk pergi kesana. Dan akupun taat... keinginan itu aku pending setahun dan berharap lulus SMA aku akan melamar lagi dan berharap diterima. Aku terus belajar dan gigih.. Aku masih merindukan MC. Setahun berlalu, dan kululusan SMA diambang mata. Aku pun mulai melamar ke Amrik lagi.. tetapi Ayahku tak merestui keinginan ini. Aku diam tak bisa berkata apa-apa.. Pupuslah harapanku untuk ke Amrik dan menemui MC. Ada sedikit kekecewaan berbekas dihatiku, karena pengorbananku selama ini dengan tekun belajar aku tidak memiliki waktu bermain. Harga yang aku bayar cukup mahal.. Walau aku tidak bisa ke Amrik, tetapi aku diterima di kampus ini dengan cara yang luar biasa dan aku patut mensyukuri itu.. Ah Mc, If only you knew that our meeting 5 years ago had changed my life... ~ Akhirnya aku menemukan FB MC dan kami sempat berkoresponden. Ternyata dia sudah memiliki pacar yang cantik. Saat aku mengetahui itu aku sedikit cemburu tetapi aku juga senang karena ia mendapatkan seseorang yang lebih baik daripada aku. ~ Kalau sekarang perasaanku padanya tak lagi perasaan yang sama seperti 5 tahun yang lalu, tetapi sebuah grateful karena few-second sight yang ia berikan padaku last for years. ~ Kini aku agak malas kuliah nih.. mungkin Tuhan sebaiknya mempertemukan aku dengan MC-MC yang baru supaya aku semangat lagi belajarnya. Seperti kata Pak Paul, "people respons to incentive" isn't it? ~ Have you found your MC, friends? xoxo Thaya
Saturday, April 3, 2010
A Place I Called "Home"
This is a story when I had my journey to Japan. It was so amazing and has changed my life. In this note, I have a tribute to my host family, Takizawa Hiroshi and wife for all the time, laugh, moments, and chance I had with them.
First off, I'd like to share little bit about my self. I was grown up in a family where my father was very busy traveling to many places to earn money for us and my mother quite busy to raise me and my brothers up. As the eldest in the family, I must be an example for my brothers and impossible to be spoiled. It made sense to me and don't mind about those. Quite often I spoil my brothers because I love them so much.
When I was getting older and older, I became very busy with my study and any extracurricular activities so I became very rare at home. But at that time my father became less busy. In my life I spent very little time with my father. Our quality time only at dinner table.
As a child, I always wanted to experience close relationship with my parents and being spoiled, just like many other children in this world. The situation was different. Even though, it made me a tough person.
First day
It was my very first day I arrived in Narita, Japan. I didn't know how did I feel. I thought I was dreaming. At the airport, I must find my host father and I kinda forgot his face since the last time we met was on 2003. But I easily got him because he held small banner where my name was written on it.
"Ohayo gozaimase, watashiwa Euthalia desu." said I while shaking his hand. He smiled at me and led me to the parking lot. On the way he asked to bring my luggage, but I said no. He insisted so I let it be.
He looked so old now with his 71 years old age. I was wondering how could he drove me home. Then we arrived in front of his car and I was surprised that he had a sport car. On the way to home, again I was so surprised that he drove like a young man. I didn't expect he could drive like that. I came to a conclusion, he is still very healthy. Thank God.The weather at that time around 7 C. For tropical people like me it's like entering a refrigerator but he got me a coat with cap and gloves.
Finally we arrived and from the house my host mother welcomed me and said that I was much taller and bigger and also resembled with my father. She's didn't look much older than last time we met. But to be honest this couple look very healthy and happy. Btw, this couple only had one mobile phone, simple one. Really, they maximized the function rather than the hedonism lifestyle.
At home, they prepared my room with futon, mattress,and heater together. Wow, I was amazed. Very rare happens in Indonesia where couple do things together. Most often the wife becomes a maid for her husband. Then we went out for shopping for our dinner. They really cooperative in determining what to buy and not. They also suggested me to have new pants and shoes. But again I refused it.
To be honest from my first day, I could see this couple were amazing couple. I could sense that they do love one and another and very happily live together. At night while dinner we talked quite a lot. I really enjoyed that house. The house was very warm, I didn't understand was it because the heater or their love. Btw, my host father told me that he had a daughter but she died when she was 20 years old. It was 23 years ago. I never knew that before.
Second day
I woke up that morning and still could believe that I was in Japan. I was ready for bathing and breakfast. My host mother already woke up and kinda busy in the kitchen. After bathing, we sat down together and had breakfast. My host father really was a good host. He even prepared my meal and made coffee for me. I did feel awkward because in Indonesia whenever I stayed in someone house, usually I'll prepare their meal. But it was different. That day we went to Kamakura, the ancient metropolis. It was wonderful place. There's a lot beautiful temples and shrines. I must admit it was amazing place.
Third until seventh days I had such great time in Japan, from Fujisawa to Shibuya, Harajuku to Akihabara, Hakone to Odawara, Yugawara to Chiba. Many trips were only me and my host father. We spent time together and I began to know him deeper. We shared about our lives, what had happened to both of us, our dreams, and our experienced.
There's lot of things that I found in my host father personality. He is humorist, caring, well managed, and simple. There were so many things that made me amazed of him.
When we walked down the street from or to railway station, he often offered himself to carry my coat, gloves, cap, and even my bag. In fact my bag is a girly bag.
He didn't mind to get my drink and remember what's my favorite.
He also asked me if I felt warm or cold, my shoes comfort or not, hungry or full, or if I want to go to toilet. He even wanted to know if I had enough money or not and gave me some money.
There were many moments that really unforgettable. Once we went to Tokyo and had one day tour. Because of the tight schedule so we must had lunch in the bus. So, from home my host mother prepared a bento for us. In the midst of the trip, we ate together from the same lunch box and enjoyed together. Really, for me that was a precious moment. I never had the same thing with my father. I didn't know why. Maybe it's because our indonesian culture, where father are very rare close to their daughter. While the trip, he explained to me about many historical things in Tokyo. I admit that he is a genius.
In other day, we went to Yokohama and again at this time our schedule also quite tight. We went to china town in Yokohama. To save the time, we bought 2 bakpaos from the hawker. We walked down and finally found rest in the open air area where many people sat and resting. He suggested to divide each bakpaos into 2, because one filled with meat and the other with bean so we could enjoy both tastes. We sat and enjoy our bakpaos together watching people had fun with their own things. It was awesome for me. Again, I never had such a experience like that. To tell you the truth, I never walked around some places just with my dad. But that time was very different. I did enjoy it in my self. Instead the beauty of Japan it self,I really enjoyed my fellowship with my host father where I could find my self as a child with her father. At that time, that was my last time walking around Japan with him because in the evening I would be picked up by Miyashita family, friends of my father. I was so sad when I must leave him,
Another day with Miyashita family. In the sense, this family had different typicality. However, my host parents still were the best. That night I was crying in my room before I went to sleep. I did miss my room and my host family. They were really nice to me. Usually every night, I said 'oyasumi nasaii' to my host parents and they would reply it.
Well, I also like whenever my host father smiled at me. Everytime I woke up from my nap, after bathing, after meal, and everywhere. There's something that I couldn't describe with any words about how I felt whenever I had fellowship with my host parents.
In the morning, very early, I went to Tokyo Disneyland with Miyashita family. The weather was cold and rainy, I got coat from them. But I didn't expect to be that cold. Time rolled by and I realized that my coats and shoes were wet. I felt so cold and wet. I missed my host father badly because when we together, he often asked about how did I fell. In my side, I didn't fell hesitant to tell him about my feeling. I didn't enjoy Tokyo Disneyland that much instead of many attraction were in Japanese.
At the evening, I was sent to Zengyo station where my host father would pick me up. Really.. I couldn't wait to met him. Finally we arrived and my host father came with my host brother. I was so happy.
Inside the car, they asked me how was the trip. I told them how I felt including my wet shoes.
So we arrived at home and my host father suggested me to pack my stuff and take a bath that night because the day after that would be my flight to leave Japan. I finally told to my host father that I felt like at home not in foreign country and have a family here. He was quite and still for awhile then he said "in the sense, you have lived our late daughter". Oh gosh, I didn't know what to say. I was so shock. I never knew that he had that chemistry. For me he's like m father. And for him, I was a daughter.
I did what he told me and I took a bath that night. I was so silly, but while bathing I couldn't resist my tears. I didn't know why but I felt like I didn't wanna leave this family. I already found what I had sought; a family, a home, and love in this house .
After I took a bath, I went out and again, I was so surprised I found my wet shoes in front of the heater. I asked him what's happened and why. He just smiled at me and said it was okay to make my shoes dry. I was so touch. I never threatened like that before. Suddenly I remember when I was in school. I often caught in the rain and wet from my bag until my shoes. My parents didn't realized that much and they never dried my wet stuff. Well for me it wasn't a big deal. I knew my parents still love me so much. But this was very different. I couldn't believe what I saw and my feeling was so mixed. How could someone like my host father, who ever being in the highest rank of position in one of the biggest japanese automotive company, had initiative to dry shoes. Shoes, a symbol of humility. I didn't know what make him do so but caring and compassion driven by love.
Then he poke my back softly when I said 'oyasumii nasai'. I saw him smiling at me. I was trying to figure what did his eyes and smile say out. It could be he's gonna miss me or just wishing me a good sleep. I didn't know. only God and him knew.
At night, my last night in Japan.
Again, I didn't know how long I had been crying. But my heart felt very sad to leave my host parents. My heart had been drawn to them. I even thought that I must came back to this country, even just to take care them at their old days.
In the morning, I woke up and wondering how could I hide this feeling from them.
My host mother reminded me to wake up, otherwise I could be late for train. Then I got my self ready and cleaned the room as much as I could. I folded the mattress with the futon also. Then after I was done, I went down and had my last breakfast with them. Like usual, my host father prepared me a cup of coffee.
We had breakfast together. After the meal, I still had sometime then I played the piano in the house. I really enjoyed it. Then we went to train station. My host mother drove us to there. From station, we took train to Narita.
In the station while waiting I sat and trying hard to keep my feeling while my host father listening to the music through his pocket radio. I still tried to keep my tears and suddenly my host father put one of the earphone to my ear so we could enjoy the music together. Oh gosh, I was so shock yet so amazed. Really, I felt that my feeling to him that I had my own father. I believe if I were just a guest for him, he wouldn't do that to me.
Finally the train came and we got in. We sat together at the same row. We still talked lot. How his opinion about my stay in his house. He also told me that his wife really enjoy during my stay. He even said that she would came to visit me if I could work in certain countries. That's really motivating me to achieve that. Once he also told me that he wanted to see me to be someone in the future. Along our journey to Narita, we talked about many things. Even things that I never expected before. He was asking about my boyfriend and we laughed together because I said I was a single.
We arrived at Narita and he were with me untill I was about to get in to the waiting room where only passenger only could get in. He helped me to carry my luggage and check in. Then we sat together inside the airport. He told me that he had traveled to many cities that's displayed in the board inside the airport. Then finally, we must said good bye. We stood, I bowed my head and said 'sayonara, till we meet again'. I also shook his hand. After that, he's gone walking slowly away from me. I only could see his back and I didn't realize that tears were dropping by from my eyes. I felt my eyes so hot, my checked, and my back. I cried and I enter the waiting room.
So, I was in the plane. Seven hours flight from Narita to Kuala Lumpur. I couldn't handle my self. I cried and cried. I didn;t know how many tissues I had spent. I didn't care about another passenger around me and also the flight attendant. I only wanted to cry, to pour up my feelings. That was the longest time I could cry. I knew I was so silly, baka.
I missed them.. I really wanted to be with my host parents. I knew, there where my heart was, and is, and maybe will be.
Arrival at Kuala Lumpur..
I met my father in KL and I shared all my journey in Japan. I thought I must told all the goodness of my house parents. I guess he realized that I already stuck with my host parents.
Now, I came with the conclusion. My host father had tough me many things. From simplicity to humility, from caring to friendliness. He had been an inspiration and motivator for me. I pray that God will grant them with health more than wealth, with strength and joy, happiness and everlasting love.
In this case, I know I have my own parents. However I still love and will be love them always.
This is my life and my experience that something couldn't be bought with money.
I wish, whoever read this note could feel how I felt in the journey and it could inspire them.
Never Hold A Grudge
This is a true story which has touched many readers. As it is quite a long story, reserve it (if you haven't got the time) and read it only when you are in a more relaxed mood.
In either case, do make it a point to savour everyline until the end. This is for all the single, married, divorced, widowed individuals, who take life for granted.
Please, read this story until the end.. It is such an eye opener.
You never Know.........!
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us.
Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree.
You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.
I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery.
Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round.
As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets.
Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy.
I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her.
For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment:
"I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for?
You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better."
Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."
Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs.
I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure.
Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it.
Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."
There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast.
In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife?
At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice.
She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.
As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional
work for me
For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.
Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night.
I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me....
I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once?
We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"
After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house.
During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting.
At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife.
To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.
That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me:
"LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?"He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me.
After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?"
I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat.
I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not.
I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out..
Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes...
I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house.
Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs.
For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call.
I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do?
For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life..
Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor."
The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news.
Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?
At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there.
It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him.
He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart.
I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab.
At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy.
What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down.
Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes.
I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.
That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up.
I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face.
He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house.
Maybe he really intends to leave me for good.
What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters.
I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.
The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby.
I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird
look and said:
"Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."
I stood there in shock.
I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away.
Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.
I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes.
My god, how could this happen?
Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me.
I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people.
That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside.
As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...
I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....
In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him.
And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe.
I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in.
I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later.
The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other.
I am like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant.
After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes.
I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything.
The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her.
He stared back at me,challenging me.
I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death.
I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.
That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.
He did not come home anymore after that.
Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff.
I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.
I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination.
My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not..
I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room.
The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke.
On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper.
I know what it is all about without even looking at it.
In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself.
I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign."
He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine..
As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry...." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me.
Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?"
Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops.
I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now."
He did not go.
In the dark, we sat, facing each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket.
In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them.
I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me.
I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't.
In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever.
We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart.
For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional.
I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him.
From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.
Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room.
He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room.
At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet.
This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh.
He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us?
Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read.
Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full.
I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions.
He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of Spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment.
He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital.
Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite.
Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind:
In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain.
Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling.
I reached out and touched his hand.. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor.
I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his...
I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.
Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long.
I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying:
"Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.
Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and
I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:
"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now...
I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be..
But daddy now no longer has that chance.
Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....
Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey.
To be honest, daddy is very happy.
Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most....
" From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby....
My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...
These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma.
I brought our son over and place him beside him.
I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."
He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile.
Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.....
A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever...
"Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family.
Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."........
This is a true story.
LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO GRUDGES. I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of grudges and anger!
Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as well as patience.....This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift.
Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to live a life free of grudge.
In life, offenses are inevitable.
But holding a grudge is a choice we consciously make. Learn to LET GO....
To forgive others is to forgive YOURSELF. No one's perfect.
Communication is the key. It is never toooooo late to be friends.....
Life is really too short to be sad always.
In either case, do make it a point to savour everyline until the end. This is for all the single, married, divorced, widowed individuals, who take life for granted.
Please, read this story until the end.. It is such an eye opener.
You never Know.........!
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us.
Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree.
You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.
I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery.
Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round.
As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets.
Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy.
I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her.
For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment:
"I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for?
You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better."
Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."
Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs.
I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure.
Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it.
Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."
There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast.
In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife?
At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice.
She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.
As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional
work for me
For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.
Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night.
I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me....
I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once?
We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"
After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house.
During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting.
At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife.
To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.
That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me:
"LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?"He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me.
After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?"
I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat.
I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not.
I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out..
Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes...
I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house.
Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs.
For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call.
I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do?
For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life..
Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor."
The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news.
Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?
At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there.
It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him.
He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart.
I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab.
At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy.
What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down.
Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes.
I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.
That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up.
I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face.
He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house.
Maybe he really intends to leave me for good.
What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters.
I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.
The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby.
I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird
look and said:
"Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."
I stood there in shock.
I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away.
Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.
I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes.
My god, how could this happen?
Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me.
I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people.
That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside.
As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...
I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....
In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him.
And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe.
I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in.
I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later.
The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other.
I am like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant.
After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes.
I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything.
The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her.
He stared back at me,challenging me.
I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death.
I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.
That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.
He did not come home anymore after that.
Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff.
I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.
I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination.
My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not..
I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room.
The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke.
On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper.
I know what it is all about without even looking at it.
In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself.
I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign."
He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine..
As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry...." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me.
Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?"
Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops.
I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now."
He did not go.
In the dark, we sat, facing each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket.
In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them.
I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me.
I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't.
In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever.
We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart.
For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional.
I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him.
From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.
Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room.
He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room.
At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet.
This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh.
He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us?
Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read.
Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full.
I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions.
He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of Spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment.
He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital.
Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite.
Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind:
In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain.
Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling.
I reached out and touched his hand.. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor.
I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his...
I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.
Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long.
I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying:
"Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.
Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and
I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:
"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now...
I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be..
But daddy now no longer has that chance.
Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....
Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey.
To be honest, daddy is very happy.
Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most....
" From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby....
My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...
These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma.
I brought our son over and place him beside him.
I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."
He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile.
Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.....
A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever...
"Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family.
Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."........
This is a true story.
LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO GRUDGES. I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of grudges and anger!
Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as well as patience.....This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift.
Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to live a life free of grudge.
In life, offenses are inevitable.
But holding a grudge is a choice we consciously make. Learn to LET GO....
To forgive others is to forgive YOURSELF. No one's perfect.
Communication is the key. It is never toooooo late to be friends.....
Life is really too short to be sad always.
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