A journey of faith is never flat, it has ups and downs.
However, it is faith who keeps me walking on the right track of life.
To be better and maturer person.
I received Jesus when I was like 11 years old and it was my very first love with Him. Life was so much beautiful and I always wanted to spend my whole life with Him according to His will and plan.
As I grown up, I faced many things that made my faith turned down.
From friends, church, family, and even my own desires.
As the result, I have been very moody. Sometimes I wanted to say what inside my heart but I just could not because many considerations in my heart.
Time flies by and I attend college now.
Many ambitions and dreams in my heart that I really wanted to achieve. I gave my all to go for them. Many tears were poured, sweat shredded, my heart was broken and cracking of friendship.
The peak of all was when I had been sick for few months. I was hospitalized twice, visiting doctors many times, not feeling very well in most of my days.
At the end, I did not what I wanted.
It took time for me to understand and finally I realized it was useless.
The dreams could be very good and positive dream. However, as it is written in The Bible
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways." says The Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9, NKJV).
For me, life was all about me. All the ambitions which were good in the sight of men actually was bad in the sight of God. The motivations behind all of those desires might be a willingness to earn honor and praises from human which is an arrogant character and God dislikes it.
In other side, I desired to obtain all those achievement because I wanted to make my parents, friends, supporters, and whoever to be proud of me.
In fact, as a believer and are committed to Jesus, our lives do not belong to us any longer, but to God wholly.
I questioned my self and God
I lived my life in the wrong way. I took the control meanwhile God was just a body guard. I did not enjoy my life and I was so tired and SICK of it.
Not to mention many times I was thinking to commit suicide. That's how ambition makes you ugly and dying.
I keep searching for the right answer of
who am I?
why am I supposed to be here?
what should I do?
why am I alive?
Those were my questions.
The way God answers us is very unpredictable and very creative.
God could use anyone we never expected to be the answer for us. For me, when I went to G12 Conference in Singapore, my heart was touched and put burning fire to love Him again,
and as I walk to keep my faith God teaches me with many things through many people.
For all people, changing the paradigm is not an easy thing to do, same like me. I tend to be dominant and insist with my own opinion. For me my way is my way and I will take the consequences of it. The problem arises when I found that my opinion are somehow does not work with many conditions.
And God knows this problem and He helps me to deal with this.
One day someone I know from facebook chatted with me and he said many things that surprisingly was true about me. I was wondering but we kept going on the conversation. He came up with few question that became a big question to me.
The conversation ended but the question was still remaining in my mind and my heart. I seek for God guidance to understand all of these things that actually I have been seeking for.
It took times for me to think and make a decision. I try to remembered all the verses I knew and meditated them. After all, I found something and decided to start my live all over again in terms of idealistic and paradigm. I have learnt that no matter whatever is it, when I asked Jesus to save me and became The Lord of my life, I became His slave and He is my master. He has control of all my life and I should lay down all my prides, ambitions, and life.
I knew that but I missed about the ambitions one. I might give my life, but not my ambitions. So, I decided to gave up all my ambitions and willingness at the cross. All in sudden I feel my life was very easy and there's joy.
Now, as my commitment to Him to give up my life, I should behave like a humble man before Him and it is my responsibilities to seek after His heart and His willingnes in my life.
"what is the gain for man if has all the world but not his soul?"
even Apostle Paul said that what he had considered as honor were a rubbish as he knew Jesus.
Those quotes encourage me time to time as I walk in my faith.
so what should I do as I graduate?
I have no idea honestly. But this question will always make me to seek after my Master desires upon my life. He is my Big Boss so He will let me know whatever He wants me to do.
Deep inside my heart, I know that God willingness upon me is for me to be blessed, have an abundant life, fulll of graces and mercies.
Moreover God says He will provide my needs like food, clothes, and many things. He gives peace and love, joy and happiness. What else should I seek? He even provides me house in Heaven.
Above all of those things, it is written that “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
Now, I lay down all the ambitions that I had run for and let God lead my way. I simply believed that promotions come from God. It does not matter how good I am or how much talents I have had, but if I never hand them all back to Jesus, they will never be multiplied and blessing to others just as the story of 5 loaves of bread and 2 pieces of fish. If the young kid never handed his meal to Jesus, maybe all those multitudes which were more than 5000 people were never be fed.
Would you do same thing like I did?