Ini pengalaman pribadi gw gimana Tuhan bener2 nyelamatin nyawa gw dari kecelakaan dan kecerobohan gw.
Saat ini aku tergabung sebagai tim kreatif yang bekerja sama dengan sebuah stasiun tv nasional swasta dan kampus ku untuk memproduksi sebuah reality show yang bersifat edukatif. Aku dan 2 teman kampus ku yang merupakan alumnus acara ini memiliki tanggung jawab sebagai pembuat soal dan alur pertunjukan. Sebuah penghormatan bisa bekerja sama dengan perusahaan bergengsi seperti itu.
Proses produksi seperti syuting sudah hampir selesai, tepatnya pada sabtu kemaren. Jadi kami dan tim konten akan mengadakan syukuran dengan pihak terkait selepas program ini diproduksi. Aku sudah koordinasi dengan Dinda dan Riska yang merupakan tim ku mengenai kegiatan kami dan ternyata hari minggu kami bertanggung jawab mengajak para finalis untuk bersenang-senang. Aku pun menerima tanggung jawab ini. Toh pekerjaannya asik. Kapan lagi jalan-jalan dan senang-senang ditraktir?
Segala kebutuhan kami sudah disediakan oleh pihak penyelenggara, mulai dari transportasi, akomodasi, sampai 'modal hedon' pun disediakan.
Sabtu, 12 Juni 10
Sabtu pagi ini aku masih mengerjakan tugas akhirku lalu mengirimnya kepada teman sekelompokku. Setelah tugas selesai aku masih mengunduh beberapa informasi terkait dengan tugas akhir mata kuliah lainnya dan mencari info tiket dan visa untuk keberangkatanku bulan depan.
Sembari mengerjakan semua ini, aku sempat memposting status di FB ku dan dikomen oleh beberapa rekan. Ternyata salah satu kakak rohani ku mengajakku untuk ketemuan setelah beberapa lama kami tidak ketemu. Sepat kami nego mengenai jadwal kami dan akhirnya kami memutuskan untuk ketemu di sebuah restoran fast food.
Aku pun bergegas menyiapkan segala kebutuhanku untuk untuk menginap di di dekat kampus demi tanggung jawab tersebut.
13.30
Aku tiba direstoran tersebut dan kami pun bertemu. Ia berbagi tentang pengalamannya dan pelayannya selama ini. Aku sangat tergugah dan mendapat sebuah pelajaran baru tentang pelayanan.
16.13
Kami pun berpisah dan aku pun bergegas pergi ke kampus karena proses produksi disana. Cuaca sempat mendung dan aku berfikir untuk berteduh, membatalkan kedatanganku ke kampus, atau menukar motor yang kukendarai dengan mobil. Aku enggan berteduh karena aku merasa aku sudah telat. Aku juga tidak membatalkan kedatanganku karena aku sudah terlanjur janji dengan teman-temanku dan aku tidak mau mengingkarinya karena akan runyam akibatnya. Sedangkan untuk menukar mobil, aku teringat kalau aki mobilnya bermasalah. Aku malas kalau kebengkel dulu mengurus ini itu karena keuanganku lagi pas-pasan dan itu merepotkan.
Akupun bergegas menuju kampus. Aku menyiapkan perlengkapanku mulai dari jaket, masker, sampai MP3 yang akan menemaniku selama perjalanan yang kurang lebih sejam.
Aku pun tancap gas dari Kampung Melayu menuju Kampus. Di Cawang sudah ada tanda-tanda akan hujan dan aku masih enggan untuk berteduh. Sebagai tambahan aku yang saat itu memakai sandal (biasanya sepatu) mulai merasa tidak nyaman karena kakiku dingin, basah, dan kotor terciprat air dari roda. Aku sangat benci mengemudi saat hujan bisikku.
Saat melewati Kalibata, kondisi jalan yang becek membuat ku semakin kesal karena adanya pembangunan flyover. Karena kesal, aku justru mempercepat laju kendaraanku dan menuju Mampang.
Hujan semakin deras dan jalanan cukup lancar walau ramai. Aku menikmati lagu yang terputar di telingaku lalu mengendara dengan kecepatan (ehm..) diatas 60km/h mungkin. Perasaanku stabil dan I think everything was fine.
Aspal yang aku lewati cukup lebar namun memiliki lapisan yang berbeda, satu diaspal halus namun satu lagi diaspal agak kasar. Sebenarnya itu tidak mengganggu namun aku berlari diantara 2 jenis aspal tersebut.
Kecepatan ku pun stabil dan badanku juga. Namun, tiba-tiba badanku oleng kekiri sedangkan motorku berlari seperti biasa. Aku tidak tahu apa yang sedang terjadi selain aku tergelincir ditengah jalan raya. Aku tidak panik namun tidak bisa berbuat apa-apa, badanku terseret diatas aspal dan aku langsung melepaskan stang motorku sehingga aku terseret kepinggir jalan diamna motorku terseret kedepan. Yang kurasakan adalah jaketku bergesekan dengan aspal. Demikian helmklu sampai terlepas. Untung saat itu aku memakai penutup kepala sehingga saat helm lepas kepalaku masih terlindungi. Aku segera berdiri dan duduk ditepi jalan. Orang-orang menolongku, memberi ku minum, mengambil motorku dan membetulkannya. Aku cukup shock dengan kejadian itu. Aku melihat tubuhku dan..
tidak ada sesuatu yang buruk terjadi kecuali kakiku lecet dan berdarah. Itu saja yang kuingat.
Aku diam termangu lalu merenungkan kejadian ini. Aku merasa ini adalah peringatan kepadaku untuk lebih berhati-hati lagi. Aku pun menyesali kecerobohanku karena suka kebut-kebutan kalau membawa kendaraan.
Aku berteduh sebentar dan berusaha menghubungi ortu ku. Tapi akhirnya niatku kuurungkan karena aku takut membuat mereka khawatir dan 'mencabut SIM'ku.
Hujan pun reda dan akupun bergegas ke kampus. Aku masih galau dan langit masih gerimis. Aku juga tergesa-gesa karena proses produksi masih berlangsung.
Aku tiba dikampus dan segera menuju parkiran. Sialnya saat itu aku lupa sedang hujan dan parkiran yang terbuat dari beton menjadi licin. Dan.. akupun sukses tergelincir untuk kedua kalinya.
Aku merasakan badanku seperti terhantam dengan sesuatu dan terasa sakit. Aku terjerembab dan kulihat pecahan kaca didepanku. Aku ingin menangis rasanya.
Tiba-tiba ada petugas kebersihan melihatku dan segera menolongku. Motorku segera diamankannya. Aku yag sedang tergesa-gesa meringis kesakitan masih sempat berdiskusi dengan petugas tersebut. Aku memintanya membenari tempat dudukan kaki yang bengkok dan untungnya ia mengiyakannya. Aku segera ke lokasi dan bertemu teman-temanku. Kru tv, pihak kampus, dan teman-temanku kaget melihat aku yang kehujanan, kusut, dan tertatih-tatih.
Mereka segera mengobati luka-lukaku dan ketika aku menaikkan celanaku aku terkejut karena ada beberapa luka memar di kedua kakiku. Badanku terasa semakin pegal dan sakit, sendi-sendiku sakit dan kepalaku pusing.
Ku beristirahat sebentar dan salah satu kru tv membersihkan lukaku dengan alkohol. Entah mengapa alkohol itu pun tidak terasa perih lagi kurasakan.
Akhirnya aku mengisitirahatkan diriku, kembali tertawa dan mengobrol dengan teman-temanku dan para finalis sampai rasa sakit dan trauma itu berkurang.
Aku mensyukuri kejadian ini semua. Aku belajar untuk tidak tergesa-gesa, mengontrol emosi dalam berkendara dan kecepatan, serta awas senantiasa selalu (berjaga-jaga dan berhati-hati).
Aku juga cerita ke kakak rohani ku itu dan dia bilang kalau kadang setan ga senang dengan kita ia ingin mencelakakan kita. Tetapi Firman Tuhan akan selalu digenapi bagi anak-anakNya yang percaya padaNya bahwa tangan Tuhan selalu menjagai kita. Aku benar-benar mengerti isi Matius 16:18b .. dan alam maut pun tidak dapat menguasaimu. . Bener banget tuh!
Terima kasih Tuhan. Ajarku untuk selalu berhati-hati.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Yesus dalam Perspektif Ekonomi
Kita tahu kalau Yesus adalah Anak Allah yang turun ke bumi mengambil rupa manusia untuk menebus kita sehingga apabila kita percaya kepadaNya maka kita akan selamat dan beroleh hidup yang kekal.
Untuk mengikut Yesus, kita harus menanggalkan kehidupan lama kita yang sia-sia, memikul salib, serta menyangkal diri.
Suatu hari saya menonton sebuah acara TV, tepatnya sebuah kotbah di TV. Disitu pembicara menantang pemirsa dengan berkata (in english) "Apa yang ada dibenak anda ketika saya katakan tentang Yesus?". saat itu saya mulai membayangkan tentang Yesus,
Anak Allah..
Seorang Guru, mengajar di Bait Allah, hidup bersama murid-muridNya, penampilannya biasa tetapi ajaranNya luar biasa. Mati di kayu salib bagi saya dan bangkit lagi di hari ketiga..
Itulah yang terlintas di benak saya ketika membayangkan seorang Yesus sedang berjalan di muka bumi ini. Apaklah anda membayangkan hal yang sama dengan saya? mungkin..
Akhirnya pengkotbah tersebut mengatakan "Tahukah saudara kalau Yesus bukan seseorang yang miskin? Dia adalah seorang yang sukses. Mengapa? mari kita telaah satu-satu.
1. Peristiwa saat Yesus memberi makan lebih dari 5000 orang
Ketika Yesus memandang sekeliling-Nya dan melihat, bahwa orang banyak berbondong-bondong datang kepada-Nya, berkatalah Ia kepada Filipus: "Di manakah kita akan membeli roti, supaya mereka ini dapat makan?". Hal itu dikatakan-Nya untuk mencobai dia, sebab Ia sendiri tahu, apa yang hendak dilakukan-Nya. Jawab Filipus kepada-Nya: "Roti seharga dua ratus dinar tidak akan cukup untuk mereka ini, sekalipun masing-masing mendapat sepotong kecil saja." Yohanes 6:5-7
Yesus adalah pribadi yang bertanggung jawab, ketika Ia mengatakan "Di manakah kita akan membeli roti.." saya yakin kalau Yesus memiliki uang untuk mentraktir jemaah yang ada. Lalu Filipus menjawab "Roti seharga dua ratus dinar.." artinya Filipus mengetahui ada sekitar dua ratus dinar (dan mungkin lebih) dalam perbendaharaan Yesus.
Berapakah 200 dinar itu?
Alkitab mencatat 1 dinar setara dengan upah buruh 1 hari. Kita asumsikan 1 hari itu paling tidak cukup untuk membiayai makan 3 x sehari. Agar perhitungan kita lebih relevan, saya akan mencantumkan sebuah kutipan dari seorang ahli alkitab
The silver denarius was first issued around 211 BC and originally weighed about 4.5 grams, but lost some weight through the ages. It is difficult to determine the value of a denarius today, but it's value with respect to bread is estimated to be around $20 US in the early empire which would have been equal to the daily wage of a common laborer. Based on this estimate, 200 denarii would have been equal to 8 months pay and had an approximate value of about $4000 US.
Source(s):
http://www.mapsofworld.com/referrals/metals/silver/silver-denarius.html
The MacArthur Study Bible
Kesimpulannya adalah 200 dinar itu setara dengan $4000 atau Rp 36.800.000
Tidak sembarangan orang yang memiliki "idle money" atau uang menganggur sebesar 36,8 juta, hanya orang-orang tertentu. Paling tidak seorang yang kaya.
2. Ketika Yesus disalibkan, tentara Romawi mengambil pakainnya lalu mengundinya seperti yang tertulis
Setelah prajurit-prajurit itu menyalibkan Yesus, mereka mengambil pakaian-Nya. Pakaian itu dibagi empat: masing-masing mendapat satu bagian. Mereka mengambil juga jubah-Nya. Jubah itu tidak ada jahitannya--ditenun dari atas sampai ke bawah.Prajurit-prajurit itu berkata satu sama lain, "Jangan kita potong-potong jubah ini. Mari kita membuang undi untuk menentukan siapa yang boleh mendapatnya." Hal itu terjadi supaya terlaksana apa yang tertulis dalam Alkitab, yaitu: "Mereka membagi-bagi pakaian-Ku, dan membuang undi untuk jubah-Ku." Dan memang prajurit-prajurit itu berbuat begitu.(yohanes 19:23-24)
Pakaian yang dibagi-bagi pastilah pakaian yang layak pakai dan apabila sampai diperebutkan berarti pakaian itu sangat mahal. Jubah yang dipakai Yesus juga bukan sembarang jubahdan pasti mahal harganya karena ditenun bukan dijahit sehingga para tentara romawi pun mengundinya. Hari-hari ini banyak acara undian berhadiah dan diikuti begitu banyak orang karena hadiahnya bisa berupa mobil, rumah mewah, atau voucher jalan-jalan ke luar negeri. Pakaian yang dibuat secara handmade atau ditenun harganya juga bisa beberapa kali lipat diatas harga pakaian yang dijahit, misalnya Tuxedo atau Kebaya. Untuk Tuxedo tempahan bisa menghabiskan puluhan juta rupiah.
Apakah anda sudah mendapatkan gambaran seperti apakah Yesus itu?
3. Untuk mendukung kedua fakta diatas, saya memiliki satu fakta lagi. Yesus memiliki seorang bendaharawan, yakni Yudas Iskariot yang kelak mengkhianatiNya dengan menjualNya. Dalam pelayananNya, Yesus memerlukan seorang bendaharawan untuk mengelola keuangaNya agar pelayanan tidak terganggu. Selain kisah ketika Yesus memberi makan 5000 orang tersebut, Yesus juga mampu menyokong ke12 murid-muridNya. Tidak pernah alkitab mencatat Yesus kekurangan dana dalam pelayananNya atau murid-muridNya kelaparan selama mengikuti Dia. Belum lagi Yudas beberapa kali mencuri tanpa harus ketahuan murid-murid yang lain (Yohanes 12:4-6).
Bagi kita yang ingin melayani Yesus, sebaiknya kita mengetahui pribadi dan gaya pelayananNya juga. Banyak sekali opini-opini di tengah-tengah masyarakat apabila kita menjadi pelayan Tuhan atau pendeta (maaf!) kehidupannya tidak terjamin secara finansial. Hal ini sangat keliru karena Yesus sendiri secara manusiawi cukup berada dan Ia berfirman Tuhan pasti mencukupkan kebutuhan anak-anakNya (kita). Justru karena banyak yang mempercayai kalau melayani Tuhan itu akan hidup pas-pasan, maka jadilah pada orang tersebut sesuai iman mereka. Padahal Tuhan ingin memberkati kita secara berkelimpahan dibumi maupun di surga. Kalau kita sendiri tidak diberkati bagaimana kita menjadi saluran berkat bagi orang.
Saya sangat mendorong saudara-saudara untuk mengambil keputusan untuk hidup dalam komitmen bersama Yesus khususnya dalam melayaniNya. Jangan biarkan tipuan iblis melemahkan kita untuk maju lebih radikal. Tapi mari kalahkan ketakutan itu dengan pengenalan akan Tuhan. Satu hal yang perlu diingat adalah Tuhan memakai uang sebagai salah satu sarana melayani umatNya, uang itu tidak jahat tetapi cinta akan uang yang jahat
Kerajaan surga memang bukan soal makan dan minum tetapi soal sukacita oleh Roh Kudus. Namun biarlah tiga fakta diatas anda ketahui untuk menguatkan iman saudara apalagi ketika banyak bisikan-bisikan melemahkan ketika anda dalam pelayanan.
When God calls you He will sponsors you
Untuk mengikut Yesus, kita harus menanggalkan kehidupan lama kita yang sia-sia, memikul salib, serta menyangkal diri.
Suatu hari saya menonton sebuah acara TV, tepatnya sebuah kotbah di TV. Disitu pembicara menantang pemirsa dengan berkata (in english) "Apa yang ada dibenak anda ketika saya katakan tentang Yesus?". saat itu saya mulai membayangkan tentang Yesus,
Anak Allah..
Seorang Guru, mengajar di Bait Allah, hidup bersama murid-muridNya, penampilannya biasa tetapi ajaranNya luar biasa. Mati di kayu salib bagi saya dan bangkit lagi di hari ketiga..
Itulah yang terlintas di benak saya ketika membayangkan seorang Yesus sedang berjalan di muka bumi ini. Apaklah anda membayangkan hal yang sama dengan saya? mungkin..
Akhirnya pengkotbah tersebut mengatakan "Tahukah saudara kalau Yesus bukan seseorang yang miskin? Dia adalah seorang yang sukses. Mengapa? mari kita telaah satu-satu.
1. Peristiwa saat Yesus memberi makan lebih dari 5000 orang
Ketika Yesus memandang sekeliling-Nya dan melihat, bahwa orang banyak berbondong-bondong datang kepada-Nya, berkatalah Ia kepada Filipus: "Di manakah kita akan membeli roti, supaya mereka ini dapat makan?". Hal itu dikatakan-Nya untuk mencobai dia, sebab Ia sendiri tahu, apa yang hendak dilakukan-Nya. Jawab Filipus kepada-Nya: "Roti seharga dua ratus dinar tidak akan cukup untuk mereka ini, sekalipun masing-masing mendapat sepotong kecil saja." Yohanes 6:5-7
Yesus adalah pribadi yang bertanggung jawab, ketika Ia mengatakan "Di manakah kita akan membeli roti.." saya yakin kalau Yesus memiliki uang untuk mentraktir jemaah yang ada. Lalu Filipus menjawab "Roti seharga dua ratus dinar.." artinya Filipus mengetahui ada sekitar dua ratus dinar (dan mungkin lebih) dalam perbendaharaan Yesus.
Berapakah 200 dinar itu?
Alkitab mencatat 1 dinar setara dengan upah buruh 1 hari. Kita asumsikan 1 hari itu paling tidak cukup untuk membiayai makan 3 x sehari. Agar perhitungan kita lebih relevan, saya akan mencantumkan sebuah kutipan dari seorang ahli alkitab
The silver denarius was first issued around 211 BC and originally weighed about 4.5 grams, but lost some weight through the ages. It is difficult to determine the value of a denarius today, but it's value with respect to bread is estimated to be around $20 US in the early empire which would have been equal to the daily wage of a common laborer. Based on this estimate, 200 denarii would have been equal to 8 months pay and had an approximate value of about $4000 US.
Source(s):
http://www.mapsofworld.com/referrals/metals/silver/silver-denarius.html
The MacArthur Study Bible
Kesimpulannya adalah 200 dinar itu setara dengan $4000 atau Rp 36.800.000
Tidak sembarangan orang yang memiliki "idle money" atau uang menganggur sebesar 36,8 juta, hanya orang-orang tertentu. Paling tidak seorang yang kaya.
2. Ketika Yesus disalibkan, tentara Romawi mengambil pakainnya lalu mengundinya seperti yang tertulis
Setelah prajurit-prajurit itu menyalibkan Yesus, mereka mengambil pakaian-Nya. Pakaian itu dibagi empat: masing-masing mendapat satu bagian. Mereka mengambil juga jubah-Nya. Jubah itu tidak ada jahitannya--ditenun dari atas sampai ke bawah.Prajurit-prajurit itu berkata satu sama lain, "Jangan kita potong-potong jubah ini. Mari kita membuang undi untuk menentukan siapa yang boleh mendapatnya." Hal itu terjadi supaya terlaksana apa yang tertulis dalam Alkitab, yaitu: "Mereka membagi-bagi pakaian-Ku, dan membuang undi untuk jubah-Ku." Dan memang prajurit-prajurit itu berbuat begitu.(yohanes 19:23-24)
Pakaian yang dibagi-bagi pastilah pakaian yang layak pakai dan apabila sampai diperebutkan berarti pakaian itu sangat mahal. Jubah yang dipakai Yesus juga bukan sembarang jubahdan pasti mahal harganya karena ditenun bukan dijahit sehingga para tentara romawi pun mengundinya. Hari-hari ini banyak acara undian berhadiah dan diikuti begitu banyak orang karena hadiahnya bisa berupa mobil, rumah mewah, atau voucher jalan-jalan ke luar negeri. Pakaian yang dibuat secara handmade atau ditenun harganya juga bisa beberapa kali lipat diatas harga pakaian yang dijahit, misalnya Tuxedo atau Kebaya. Untuk Tuxedo tempahan bisa menghabiskan puluhan juta rupiah.
Apakah anda sudah mendapatkan gambaran seperti apakah Yesus itu?
3. Untuk mendukung kedua fakta diatas, saya memiliki satu fakta lagi. Yesus memiliki seorang bendaharawan, yakni Yudas Iskariot yang kelak mengkhianatiNya dengan menjualNya. Dalam pelayananNya, Yesus memerlukan seorang bendaharawan untuk mengelola keuangaNya agar pelayanan tidak terganggu. Selain kisah ketika Yesus memberi makan 5000 orang tersebut, Yesus juga mampu menyokong ke12 murid-muridNya. Tidak pernah alkitab mencatat Yesus kekurangan dana dalam pelayananNya atau murid-muridNya kelaparan selama mengikuti Dia. Belum lagi Yudas beberapa kali mencuri tanpa harus ketahuan murid-murid yang lain (Yohanes 12:4-6).
Bagi kita yang ingin melayani Yesus, sebaiknya kita mengetahui pribadi dan gaya pelayananNya juga. Banyak sekali opini-opini di tengah-tengah masyarakat apabila kita menjadi pelayan Tuhan atau pendeta (maaf!) kehidupannya tidak terjamin secara finansial. Hal ini sangat keliru karena Yesus sendiri secara manusiawi cukup berada dan Ia berfirman Tuhan pasti mencukupkan kebutuhan anak-anakNya (kita). Justru karena banyak yang mempercayai kalau melayani Tuhan itu akan hidup pas-pasan, maka jadilah pada orang tersebut sesuai iman mereka. Padahal Tuhan ingin memberkati kita secara berkelimpahan dibumi maupun di surga. Kalau kita sendiri tidak diberkati bagaimana kita menjadi saluran berkat bagi orang.
Saya sangat mendorong saudara-saudara untuk mengambil keputusan untuk hidup dalam komitmen bersama Yesus khususnya dalam melayaniNya. Jangan biarkan tipuan iblis melemahkan kita untuk maju lebih radikal. Tapi mari kalahkan ketakutan itu dengan pengenalan akan Tuhan. Satu hal yang perlu diingat adalah Tuhan memakai uang sebagai salah satu sarana melayani umatNya, uang itu tidak jahat tetapi cinta akan uang yang jahat
Kerajaan surga memang bukan soal makan dan minum tetapi soal sukacita oleh Roh Kudus. Namun biarlah tiga fakta diatas anda ketahui untuk menguatkan iman saudara apalagi ketika banyak bisikan-bisikan melemahkan ketika anda dalam pelayanan.
When God calls you He will sponsors you
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Shifting Paradigm
A journey of faith is never flat, it has ups and downs.
However, it is faith who keeps me walking on the right track of life.
To be better and maturer person.
I received Jesus when I was like 11 years old and it was my very first love with Him. Life was so much beautiful and I always wanted to spend my whole life with Him according to His will and plan.
As I grown up, I faced many things that made my faith turned down.
From friends, church, family, and even my own desires.
As the result, I have been very moody. Sometimes I wanted to say what inside my heart but I just could not because many considerations in my heart.
Time flies by and I attend college now.
Many ambitions and dreams in my heart that I really wanted to achieve. I gave my all to go for them. Many tears were poured, sweat shredded, my heart was broken and cracking of friendship.
The peak of all was when I had been sick for few months. I was hospitalized twice, visiting doctors many times, not feeling very well in most of my days.
At the end, I did not what I wanted.
It took time for me to understand and finally I realized it was useless.
The dreams could be very good and positive dream. However, as it is written in The Bible
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways." says The Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9, NKJV).
For me, life was all about me. All the ambitions which were good in the sight of men actually was bad in the sight of God. The motivations behind all of those desires might be a willingness to earn honor and praises from human which is an arrogant character and God dislikes it.
In other side, I desired to obtain all those achievement because I wanted to make my parents, friends, supporters, and whoever to be proud of me.
In fact, as a believer and are committed to Jesus, our lives do not belong to us any longer, but to God wholly.
I questioned my self and God
"why God"
"why Rach?"
I lived my life in the wrong way. I took the control meanwhile God was just a body guard. I did not enjoy my life and I was so tired and SICK of it.
Not to mention many times I was thinking to commit suicide. That's how ambition makes you ugly and dying.
I keep searching for the right answer of
who am I?
why am I supposed to be here?
what should I do?
why am I alive?
Those were my questions.
The way God answers us is very unpredictable and very creative.
God could use anyone we never expected to be the answer for us. For me, when I went to G12 Conference in Singapore, my heart was touched and put burning fire to love Him again,
and as I walk to keep my faith God teaches me with many things through many people.
For all people, changing the paradigm is not an easy thing to do, same like me. I tend to be dominant and insist with my own opinion. For me my way is my way and I will take the consequences of it. The problem arises when I found that my opinion are somehow does not work with many conditions.
And God knows this problem and He helps me to deal with this.
One day someone I know from facebook chatted with me and he said many things that surprisingly was true about me. I was wondering but we kept going on the conversation. He came up with few question that became a big question to me.
The conversation ended but the question was still remaining in my mind and my heart. I seek for God guidance to understand all of these things that actually I have been seeking for.
It took times for me to think and make a decision. I try to remembered all the verses I knew and meditated them. After all, I found something and decided to start my live all over again in terms of idealistic and paradigm. I have learnt that no matter whatever is it, when I asked Jesus to save me and became The Lord of my life, I became His slave and He is my master. He has control of all my life and I should lay down all my prides, ambitions, and life.
I knew that but I missed about the ambitions one. I might give my life, but not my ambitions. So, I decided to gave up all my ambitions and willingness at the cross. All in sudden I feel my life was very easy and there's joy.
Now, as my commitment to Him to give up my life, I should behave like a humble man before Him and it is my responsibilities to seek after His heart and His willingnes in my life.
"what is the gain for man if has all the world but not his soul?"
even Apostle Paul said that what he had considered as honor were a rubbish as he knew Jesus.
Those quotes encourage me time to time as I walk in my faith.
so what should I do as I graduate?
I have no idea honestly. But this question will always make me to seek after my Master desires upon my life. He is my Big Boss so He will let me know whatever He wants me to do.
Deep inside my heart, I know that God willingness upon me is for me to be blessed, have an abundant life, fulll of graces and mercies.
Moreover God says He will provide my needs like food, clothes, and many things. He gives peace and love, joy and happiness. What else should I seek? He even provides me house in Heaven.
Above all of those things, it is written that “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
Now, I lay down all the ambitions that I had run for and let God lead my way. I simply believed that promotions come from God. It does not matter how good I am or how much talents I have had, but if I never hand them all back to Jesus, they will never be multiplied and blessing to others just as the story of 5 loaves of bread and 2 pieces of fish. If the young kid never handed his meal to Jesus, maybe all those multitudes which were more than 5000 people were never be fed.
Would you do same thing like I did?
However, it is faith who keeps me walking on the right track of life.
To be better and maturer person.
I received Jesus when I was like 11 years old and it was my very first love with Him. Life was so much beautiful and I always wanted to spend my whole life with Him according to His will and plan.
As I grown up, I faced many things that made my faith turned down.
From friends, church, family, and even my own desires.
As the result, I have been very moody. Sometimes I wanted to say what inside my heart but I just could not because many considerations in my heart.
Time flies by and I attend college now.
Many ambitions and dreams in my heart that I really wanted to achieve. I gave my all to go for them. Many tears were poured, sweat shredded, my heart was broken and cracking of friendship.
The peak of all was when I had been sick for few months. I was hospitalized twice, visiting doctors many times, not feeling very well in most of my days.
At the end, I did not what I wanted.
It took time for me to understand and finally I realized it was useless.
The dreams could be very good and positive dream. However, as it is written in The Bible
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways." says The Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9, NKJV).
For me, life was all about me. All the ambitions which were good in the sight of men actually was bad in the sight of God. The motivations behind all of those desires might be a willingness to earn honor and praises from human which is an arrogant character and God dislikes it.
In other side, I desired to obtain all those achievement because I wanted to make my parents, friends, supporters, and whoever to be proud of me.
In fact, as a believer and are committed to Jesus, our lives do not belong to us any longer, but to God wholly.
I questioned my self and God
"why God"
"why Rach?"
I lived my life in the wrong way. I took the control meanwhile God was just a body guard. I did not enjoy my life and I was so tired and SICK of it.
Not to mention many times I was thinking to commit suicide. That's how ambition makes you ugly and dying.
I keep searching for the right answer of
who am I?
why am I supposed to be here?
what should I do?
why am I alive?
Those were my questions.
The way God answers us is very unpredictable and very creative.
God could use anyone we never expected to be the answer for us. For me, when I went to G12 Conference in Singapore, my heart was touched and put burning fire to love Him again,
and as I walk to keep my faith God teaches me with many things through many people.
For all people, changing the paradigm is not an easy thing to do, same like me. I tend to be dominant and insist with my own opinion. For me my way is my way and I will take the consequences of it. The problem arises when I found that my opinion are somehow does not work with many conditions.
And God knows this problem and He helps me to deal with this.
One day someone I know from facebook chatted with me and he said many things that surprisingly was true about me. I was wondering but we kept going on the conversation. He came up with few question that became a big question to me.
The conversation ended but the question was still remaining in my mind and my heart. I seek for God guidance to understand all of these things that actually I have been seeking for.
It took times for me to think and make a decision. I try to remembered all the verses I knew and meditated them. After all, I found something and decided to start my live all over again in terms of idealistic and paradigm. I have learnt that no matter whatever is it, when I asked Jesus to save me and became The Lord of my life, I became His slave and He is my master. He has control of all my life and I should lay down all my prides, ambitions, and life.
I knew that but I missed about the ambitions one. I might give my life, but not my ambitions. So, I decided to gave up all my ambitions and willingness at the cross. All in sudden I feel my life was very easy and there's joy.
Now, as my commitment to Him to give up my life, I should behave like a humble man before Him and it is my responsibilities to seek after His heart and His willingnes in my life.
"what is the gain for man if has all the world but not his soul?"
even Apostle Paul said that what he had considered as honor were a rubbish as he knew Jesus.
Those quotes encourage me time to time as I walk in my faith.
so what should I do as I graduate?
I have no idea honestly. But this question will always make me to seek after my Master desires upon my life. He is my Big Boss so He will let me know whatever He wants me to do.
Deep inside my heart, I know that God willingness upon me is for me to be blessed, have an abundant life, fulll of graces and mercies.
Moreover God says He will provide my needs like food, clothes, and many things. He gives peace and love, joy and happiness. What else should I seek? He even provides me house in Heaven.
Above all of those things, it is written that “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
Now, I lay down all the ambitions that I had run for and let God lead my way. I simply believed that promotions come from God. It does not matter how good I am or how much talents I have had, but if I never hand them all back to Jesus, they will never be multiplied and blessing to others just as the story of 5 loaves of bread and 2 pieces of fish. If the young kid never handed his meal to Jesus, maybe all those multitudes which were more than 5000 people were never be fed.
Would you do same thing like I did?
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Surat Kupu-kupu untuk Hujan
Surat Kupu-kupu Untuk Hujan
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Today at 8:51pm | Edit Note | Delete
Dear Hujan,
Bagaimana kau yang mencintai awan merasa cemburu ketika awan mencintai bulan?
Namun kau pun mencintai bulan...
Cinta..
Cinta yang kumaksud ini bukanlah cinta Eros, Hujan..
Kau jangan salah sangka dulu.
Hujan,
Aku sayang pada awan, tapi mengapa awan selalu diam.
Saat minggu singgah, kusapa awan "semoga harimu menyenangkan"
namun awan diam sahaja...
Ketika senin pun tiba, kusapa lagi "Awan, apa kabarmu? aku merindukanmu."
awan tetap diam tak membalasku yang menunggu jawabnya.
Hujan,
perasaanku sangat galau saat aku sakit, aku menunggu awan mengunjungiku. Namun awan tak kunjung datang..
hatiku kacau saat hari ulang tahunku aku menunggu ucapan selamat darinya.
Dan ketika ku bertanya "Awan, mengapa kau lupa hari ulang tahunku.."
Jawabnya "supaya kau semakin dewasa, kupu-kupu.."
Hujan,
aku tidak mengerti awan.. yang kutau aku sayang awan dan awan (kuyakini walau sukar) juga menyayangiku.
Hujan,
Aku juga sayang pada bulan dan matahari.
Awan juga..
tapi hujan, sepertinya awan lebih sayang kepada bulan dan matahari ketimbang padaku.
Lihatlah hujan, betapa akrabnya mereka.
Sedangkan aku, seperti ada jarak antara kami.
Dan akupun tak pantas untuk cemburu karena hatiku juga untuk matahari dan bulan.
Hujan,
Ketika awan diam, aku teringat pada pelangi.
Ya pelangi..
untuk semua waktu yang kami habiskan bersama-sama
canda
tawa
cerita
duka
9 hari untuk selamanya.
Ah Hujan,
mungkin kau tak mengerti isi suratku ini
atau kau capek mendengar curahan hatiku ini
Hujan,
yakinkan aku kalau awan tak pernah pilih kasih.
salam,
kupu-kupu
Saturday, May 29, 2010
G 055 IP
Pernahkah kamu dizolimi karena orang-orang yang mungkin teman, sahabat, saudara, atau rekan kerja menusuk kamu dari belakang? mungkin kamu digosipin, dikata-katain, difitnah, disalah mengerti, atau apalah yang sebenarnya menyakitkan hatimu.
Saya sih pernah.
sekali?
nope..
dua kali?
lebih deh..
Jujur aja, sejak SD aku sering mengalami konflik dengan teman-temanku gara-gara ya itu, gossip.
did you know how gossip could kill friendship and sisterhood?
Aku merasa aku ga ada salah, tetapi konflik itu muncul. Setelah aku semakin dewasa (baca:tua) aku menyadari kalo saat itu aku maupun teman-teman ku yang terlibat itu ga ada yang benar atau pun salah. Namanya juga anak-anak..
Pikirannya sampai mana sih?
Okay, sepanjang aku hidup aku beberapa kali terzolimi dengan gossip-gossip ga jelas itu. Mereka entah mengapa memfitnah aku dengan hal-hal yang keterlaluan, atau teman dekatku membocorkan rahasiaku. Sebagai manusia biasa, hatiku teriris-iris dengan kejadian itu semua. Aku sempat membenci mereka tetap aku tidak mau melakukan hal yang serupa seperti apa yang mereka lakukan. Dan akupun memilih untuk diam..
mengapa diam?
Aku selalu berasumsi kalau orang yang menggosipin kita adalah orang yang memiliki rasa iri kepada kita. Karena ketika orang menggosipi kita dengan kata-kata yang sangat menyakitkan, orang tersebut akan mengalami kepuasan batin dimana 'dendam' kesumat mereka terbalaskan.
Balik menggosipi mereka tidak hanya memperparah keadaan, tetapi juga menjatuh integritas kita pribadi.
Asumsi kedua adalah orang yang menggosipi aku itu tidak mengenal aku dan gossip-gossip mereka itu amat sangat tidak relevan dan memiliki argumen yang lemah
dalam lomba debat, apabila kita menebat argumen-argumen yang lemah, based on common sense not on data and fact yang ada sih kita sakit hati sendiri.
Selain dua asumsi diatas, aku masih punya beberapa asumsi lagi salah satunya action speaks louder than words
tau ga istilah NATO (NO ACTION TALK ONLY)? trust me, orang-orang yang banyak ngomong ga punya waktu untuk bertindak sehingga mereka akan disitu-situ aja.
Gossip adalah karakter destruktif dan ciri-ciri (maaf) orang yang tidak terpelajar. Walaupun ia pergi ke sekolah atau kampus yang oke, tetapi karakternya ga mencerminkan ia seorang yang terpelajar kalau ia masih menggosipi orang lain.
Nah terakhir, gossip itu akan terbukti keabsahan seiring berjalannya waktu. Untuk hal ini aku ada beberapa testimonial..
1. teman-temanku yang dulu menggosipi aku mengaku kalau mereka pernah menggosipi aku dan menunjukkan penyesalan atas praduga-praduga yang tidak terbukti kebenarannya.
2. Salah satu teman baikku pernah mendengar aku digosipin, dan setelah beberapa lama ia melihat sendiri tanpa aku harus mengklarifikasi gosip itu ia mengakui kalau gossip itu "sampah".
Intinya sih tutup telinga rapat-rapat dari opini-opini negatif yang beredar tentang diri kita
It is very wise if you consider those stuff as a tool to correct your self, but be strong enough to tackle them.
Gmana kita mengatasi being discouraged by gossip?
Diam,
Tenang,
Percaya diri..
dan, yang paling penting tetap lakukan hal yang baik seperti tidak menggosip balik
Ga usah klarifikasi, walau gossip itu sejelek apapun kecuali kalau kamu diminta secara 'resmi' untuk ngasih klarifikasi.
Satu hal yang selalu bikin aku kuat adalah
"apabila kita senang dipuji orang lain, maka kita juga harus siap apabila dimaki orang lain juga"
So, jangan ambil pusing akan gossip. Stay cool coz those are fools.
Friday, May 21, 2010
A few-second sight that last for years
Setujukah kau kalau kisah yang paling dinikmati adalah kisah roman antar manusia? Manusia pada hakekatnya diciptakan untuk berinteraksi satu dengan yang lain dan itu melibatkan emosi. Ya emosi: marah, senang, benci, suka, sayang, geli, kaget.. semuanya bagian dari emosi. Tetapi emosi yang paling indah adalah emosi saat manusia jatuh cinta.. Cinta.. when was the first time you fall in love? Me? yeah.. hmmm... .. Okay, I didnt know when was the first time I'm falling in love but as I remember I had many crushes since I was in kindigarten untill in high school. But as I attended college.. Love became bias. Ada banyak kisah cinta yang kedengaran picisan, namun tak sedikit juga yang menjadi mahakarya bahwa cinta itu abadi. Tetapi cinta itu irrasional.. seperti kata Agnes Monica, kadang tak ada logika. Cleopatra dan Anthony.. mereka berdua mati karena keracunan cinta. Ga tau ya cinta disini benar-benar cinta atau malah cinta yang merupakan merek pestisida pada saat itu.. hehehehe Atau Romeo dan Juliet? sampai maut memisahkan, cinta mereka tetap abadi (kata Shakespeare) Oya, ada juga Edward Cullen dengan Bella Swan. Ini lebih edan lagi karena si cantik Bella rela menukar nyawanya menjadi vampire. Masih banyak kisah cinta yang menggugah emosi kalau diceritakan.. tetapi apakah semua itu nyata? atau hanya isapan jempol belaka? Okay, lupakan sejenak mereka-mereka yang notahbene kita ga kenal. Aku ada cerita tentang cinta.. Iya Cinta yang memang tak ada logika.. Kisah ini terjadi saat aku masih duduk di kelas 2SMA. Saat itu aku mengalami penurunan prestasi di sekolah karena masalah pribadi dan kehilangan arah apa tujuan dari sekolah. Mungkin kalian ga menyangka kalau saat itu aku benar-benar tidak peduli dengan sekolah ku. Tetapi saat itu aku mulai aktif dan bertumbuh di gereja. Di gereja, aku memiliki pelayanan sebagai dancer, pianis, dan interpreter karena di gerejaku sering banget tamu-tamu dari luar negeri datang dan mengajar jadi gereja memerlukan penerjemah indonesia-english and vice versa. Puji Tuhan saat itu aku tergabung dalam tim penerjemah. Aktif di pelayanan pemuda, kamu dikabari "Tim musik dari California akan melayani dan mengajar". Maksudnya ya gerejaku. Aku diberitahu akan kabar itu untuk mempersiapkan diri sebagai interpreter. Tak ada persiapan khusus, standard saja. Hari H pun tiba 14 Juli 2005 Selepas ibadah puasa,aku dan beberapa teman menuju wisma gereja untuk bertemu tim dari CA. Kami tiba.. satu persatu mereka menunjukkan diri.. SC, sebagai tim leader saat itu berumur 18 tahun, berperawakan tinggi, typical ABC (american born chinese), pemain gitar handal B, sahabat SC, agak tanned, ABC juga, pemain drum dan.. ini dia nih bintang filmnya. Saat dia muncul, aku merasa darah di kepalaku turun ke kaki dan secepat kilat diisi darah dari kakiku menuju kepala. Aku sangat nervous dan.. malu >,< Namanya MC, adiknya SC. Umurnya 16 tahun, mukanya mirip-mirip Aaron Choo, playful, dan paling childish. Dia adalah pemain Bass.. Sejak pertemuan pertama kami, aku mulai tidak mengerti diriku. Mengapa aku nervous, mengapa jantungku berdegup? Trus mengapa aku merasa badanku terserang demam tetapi termometer tidak menunjukkan angka-angka merah.. mengapa? Aku mulau uring-uringan.
Mungkin mataku saat itu seperti ini ya saat melihatnya.15 Juli 2005 Ibadah Kaum Muda.. Tim CA membawakan beberapa lagu rohani. Waah, MC cute banget loooh ^^. Oiya, setelah mereka nampil, SC membawakan firman Tuhan tetapi saat itu bukan aku yang nerjemahin, tetapi salah satu temanku. I was blushing and excited becouse of.. him. Malam itu aku tidak bisa tidur. Aku harus berkenalan dengannya lebih jauh lagi dan aku harus mengambil fotonya. Tapi aku ga punya kamera saat itu. Hmm.. gimana ya? 16 Juli 2005 Ibadah Minggu Aku bertugas melayani sebagai dancer. Tim CA juga mendapat kesempatan untuk share kepada jemaat. Saat ibadah kelar, aku ingin ke toilet. Saat dijalan aku berpapasan dengan... MC. Wow.. deg-degan! Tapi aku harus berani. Ia melihatku dan.. tersenyum padaku *rasanyaakumelayang* blushing.. lalu, "hey, good job!" katanya.. aku pun membalasnya dengan tersenyum sipu. Ternyata dia mengenalku. Lalu "may I take your picture?" Ntah dari mana keberanian untuk mengatakan itu datang mengingat aku sangat pemalu. lalu Ia pun menggangguk dan click! fotonya berhasil aku dapatkan!. Asyiik! Aku menggunakan HP mamaku yang memiliki kamera. hehehe.. ada niat ada jalan. Tul ga? 17 juli 2005 and go on.. Aku dan teman-teman di gereja sering latihan musik bersama tim CA. Aku sering mendampingi SC saat dia memimpin sesi latihan. Disela-sela latihan aku sering bertemu pandang dengan MC. Lalu kami saling menatap barang beberapa detik. Saap. Aku memalingkan muka dengan pipi yang terasa panas. Aku tak sanggup fokus pada latihan piano ku. Dasar. Disaat yang lain setelah latihan dia menghampiriku dan menepukl pundakku lalu kami mengobrol sebentar. Aku pun berhasil mendapatkan emailnya dan poto-poto candid lainnya. ~ 2 minggu tidak terasa dan tim CA harus kembali ke Amerika. Besok mereka akan berangkat jadi hari ini adalah hari perpisahan. Aku dan seorang temanku pergi ke wisma tempat ia tinggal. Lalu mengucapkan pamitan kepada SC, B, dan MC. Saat aku bersalaman dengan SC dan B tak ada yang terjadi. Namun saat aku menyalam MC, kami bertatapan untuk beberapa detik dan tangan kami tetap bersalaman. Aku yakin dia memiliki sesuatu yang ingin ia ucapkan. Demikian juga aku.. ketika lidah kelu untuk berkata-kata, mata dapat menyampaikan isi hati ini.. dan aku yakin itu. Ah, aku memang pemalu terhadap seseorang yang aku taksir. Dan itu terus terjadi sampai sekarang. SC melihat kami lalu kami pun melepaskan tangan kami lalu menguncapkan "Bye, till we meet again." Entah kapan.. If we ever met again 28 juli 2005 He's gone back to CA.. there's a deep regret in me not because I couldnt tell him about my feeling but because I was too shy to hang around with him. Sudahlah Kuakui, aku jatuh hati pada MC. It might be love at the first sight, but... I admire him. Aku mengorek-ngorek informasi tentang dia dari teman-teman yang tinggal di wisma yang sama dengannya. Kata mereka, dia itu.. bangun pagi-pagi dan saat teduh.. jaga jarak dengan cewe mature and I like(d) him anyway. Seperti lagu Avril Lavigne.. "when you're gone the pieces in my heart's missing you.." Yes, I miss him and I wanna meet him again. But how? California is very far.. Aku merenung dan memutar otak untuk beberapa saat dan akhirnya aku menemukan jawabannya kalau aku harus rajin belajar, rajin ke gereja, supaya kuliah di Amerika dengannya. YA!!!! Akhirnya aku menjadi FREAK~ Aku yang dulunya malas bangun pagi, kini bangun lebih pagi dan berdoa syafaat serta saat teduh. Aku yang dulunya malas belajar, kini aku memforsir diriku belajar sangat giat. Aku menutuop hati terhadap semua pria-pria yang mendekatiku dan agak dingin pada mereka. Ga sia-sia.. Aku yang ranking 23 menjadi ranking 1 dikelas. Aku dipercayai memegang beberapa tanggungjawab di gereja Aku mendapat promosi dalam pekerjaan sampinganku. Life is so beautiful.. It didn't stop there.. Perasaanku terhadap MC itu yang membakar aku untuk menjadi though, gigih, jaga hati dan karakter, dan mengejar cita-cita untuk sekolah di Amrik. Prestasiku di sekolah semakin cemerlang.. aku ga usah sebutin satu-satu ya, but the power of love has changed me with God's intervention indeed. MC.. because of you my live has changed. Aku pun mendaftar ke Amerika. Aku tes, aku wawancara, dan.. aku lulus. Namun, orang tua ku belum mengijinkan untuk pergi kesana. Dan akupun taat... keinginan itu aku pending setahun dan berharap lulus SMA aku akan melamar lagi dan berharap diterima. Aku terus belajar dan gigih.. Aku masih merindukan MC. Setahun berlalu, dan kululusan SMA diambang mata. Aku pun mulai melamar ke Amrik lagi.. tetapi Ayahku tak merestui keinginan ini. Aku diam tak bisa berkata apa-apa.. Pupuslah harapanku untuk ke Amrik dan menemui MC. Ada sedikit kekecewaan berbekas dihatiku, karena pengorbananku selama ini dengan tekun belajar aku tidak memiliki waktu bermain. Harga yang aku bayar cukup mahal.. Walau aku tidak bisa ke Amrik, tetapi aku diterima di kampus ini dengan cara yang luar biasa dan aku patut mensyukuri itu.. Ah Mc, If only you knew that our meeting 5 years ago had changed my life... ~ Akhirnya aku menemukan FB MC dan kami sempat berkoresponden. Ternyata dia sudah memiliki pacar yang cantik. Saat aku mengetahui itu aku sedikit cemburu tetapi aku juga senang karena ia mendapatkan seseorang yang lebih baik daripada aku. ~ Kalau sekarang perasaanku padanya tak lagi perasaan yang sama seperti 5 tahun yang lalu, tetapi sebuah grateful karena few-second sight yang ia berikan padaku last for years. ~ Kini aku agak malas kuliah nih.. mungkin Tuhan sebaiknya mempertemukan aku dengan MC-MC yang baru supaya aku semangat lagi belajarnya. Seperti kata Pak Paul, "people respons to incentive" isn't it? ~ Have you found your MC, friends? xoxo Thaya
Mungkin mataku saat itu seperti ini ya saat melihatnya.15 Juli 2005 Ibadah Kaum Muda.. Tim CA membawakan beberapa lagu rohani. Waah, MC cute banget loooh ^^. Oiya, setelah mereka nampil, SC membawakan firman Tuhan tetapi saat itu bukan aku yang nerjemahin, tetapi salah satu temanku. I was blushing and excited becouse of.. him. Malam itu aku tidak bisa tidur. Aku harus berkenalan dengannya lebih jauh lagi dan aku harus mengambil fotonya. Tapi aku ga punya kamera saat itu. Hmm.. gimana ya? 16 Juli 2005 Ibadah Minggu Aku bertugas melayani sebagai dancer. Tim CA juga mendapat kesempatan untuk share kepada jemaat. Saat ibadah kelar, aku ingin ke toilet. Saat dijalan aku berpapasan dengan... MC. Wow.. deg-degan! Tapi aku harus berani. Ia melihatku dan.. tersenyum padaku *rasanyaakumelayang* blushing.. lalu, "hey, good job!" katanya.. aku pun membalasnya dengan tersenyum sipu. Ternyata dia mengenalku. Lalu "may I take your picture?" Ntah dari mana keberanian untuk mengatakan itu datang mengingat aku sangat pemalu. lalu Ia pun menggangguk dan click! fotonya berhasil aku dapatkan!. Asyiik! Aku menggunakan HP mamaku yang memiliki kamera. hehehe.. ada niat ada jalan. Tul ga? 17 juli 2005 and go on.. Aku dan teman-teman di gereja sering latihan musik bersama tim CA. Aku sering mendampingi SC saat dia memimpin sesi latihan. Disela-sela latihan aku sering bertemu pandang dengan MC. Lalu kami saling menatap barang beberapa detik. Saap. Aku memalingkan muka dengan pipi yang terasa panas. Aku tak sanggup fokus pada latihan piano ku. Dasar. Disaat yang lain setelah latihan dia menghampiriku dan menepukl pundakku lalu kami mengobrol sebentar. Aku pun berhasil mendapatkan emailnya dan poto-poto candid lainnya. ~ 2 minggu tidak terasa dan tim CA harus kembali ke Amerika. Besok mereka akan berangkat jadi hari ini adalah hari perpisahan. Aku dan seorang temanku pergi ke wisma tempat ia tinggal. Lalu mengucapkan pamitan kepada SC, B, dan MC. Saat aku bersalaman dengan SC dan B tak ada yang terjadi. Namun saat aku menyalam MC, kami bertatapan untuk beberapa detik dan tangan kami tetap bersalaman. Aku yakin dia memiliki sesuatu yang ingin ia ucapkan. Demikian juga aku.. ketika lidah kelu untuk berkata-kata, mata dapat menyampaikan isi hati ini.. dan aku yakin itu. Ah, aku memang pemalu terhadap seseorang yang aku taksir. Dan itu terus terjadi sampai sekarang. SC melihat kami lalu kami pun melepaskan tangan kami lalu menguncapkan "Bye, till we meet again." Entah kapan.. If we ever met again 28 juli 2005 He's gone back to CA.. there's a deep regret in me not because I couldnt tell him about my feeling but because I was too shy to hang around with him. Sudahlah Kuakui, aku jatuh hati pada MC. It might be love at the first sight, but... I admire him. Aku mengorek-ngorek informasi tentang dia dari teman-teman yang tinggal di wisma yang sama dengannya. Kata mereka, dia itu.. bangun pagi-pagi dan saat teduh.. jaga jarak dengan cewe mature and I like(d) him anyway. Seperti lagu Avril Lavigne.. "when you're gone the pieces in my heart's missing you.." Yes, I miss him and I wanna meet him again. But how? California is very far.. Aku merenung dan memutar otak untuk beberapa saat dan akhirnya aku menemukan jawabannya kalau aku harus rajin belajar, rajin ke gereja, supaya kuliah di Amerika dengannya. YA!!!! Akhirnya aku menjadi FREAK~ Aku yang dulunya malas bangun pagi, kini bangun lebih pagi dan berdoa syafaat serta saat teduh. Aku yang dulunya malas belajar, kini aku memforsir diriku belajar sangat giat. Aku menutuop hati terhadap semua pria-pria yang mendekatiku dan agak dingin pada mereka. Ga sia-sia.. Aku yang ranking 23 menjadi ranking 1 dikelas. Aku dipercayai memegang beberapa tanggungjawab di gereja Aku mendapat promosi dalam pekerjaan sampinganku. Life is so beautiful.. It didn't stop there.. Perasaanku terhadap MC itu yang membakar aku untuk menjadi though, gigih, jaga hati dan karakter, dan mengejar cita-cita untuk sekolah di Amrik. Prestasiku di sekolah semakin cemerlang.. aku ga usah sebutin satu-satu ya, but the power of love has changed me with God's intervention indeed. MC.. because of you my live has changed. Aku pun mendaftar ke Amerika. Aku tes, aku wawancara, dan.. aku lulus. Namun, orang tua ku belum mengijinkan untuk pergi kesana. Dan akupun taat... keinginan itu aku pending setahun dan berharap lulus SMA aku akan melamar lagi dan berharap diterima. Aku terus belajar dan gigih.. Aku masih merindukan MC. Setahun berlalu, dan kululusan SMA diambang mata. Aku pun mulai melamar ke Amrik lagi.. tetapi Ayahku tak merestui keinginan ini. Aku diam tak bisa berkata apa-apa.. Pupuslah harapanku untuk ke Amrik dan menemui MC. Ada sedikit kekecewaan berbekas dihatiku, karena pengorbananku selama ini dengan tekun belajar aku tidak memiliki waktu bermain. Harga yang aku bayar cukup mahal.. Walau aku tidak bisa ke Amrik, tetapi aku diterima di kampus ini dengan cara yang luar biasa dan aku patut mensyukuri itu.. Ah Mc, If only you knew that our meeting 5 years ago had changed my life... ~ Akhirnya aku menemukan FB MC dan kami sempat berkoresponden. Ternyata dia sudah memiliki pacar yang cantik. Saat aku mengetahui itu aku sedikit cemburu tetapi aku juga senang karena ia mendapatkan seseorang yang lebih baik daripada aku. ~ Kalau sekarang perasaanku padanya tak lagi perasaan yang sama seperti 5 tahun yang lalu, tetapi sebuah grateful karena few-second sight yang ia berikan padaku last for years. ~ Kini aku agak malas kuliah nih.. mungkin Tuhan sebaiknya mempertemukan aku dengan MC-MC yang baru supaya aku semangat lagi belajarnya. Seperti kata Pak Paul, "people respons to incentive" isn't it? ~ Have you found your MC, friends? xoxo Thaya
Sunday, May 16, 2010
A Note From Birthday Girl
Saat ini waktu udah nunjukin pukul 00.30.. Jarang2 loh gw bangun jam segini. Hahaha.. dari tadi teman2 udah ngucapin selamat ultah ke gw vai twitter, sms, FB, n telpon juga. Terharuu >,<
Sekarang umur gw udah 20 tahun. Gw udah kepala 2 dan ga pantas lagi disebut teenager atau remaja. Boleh dibilang gw udah dewasa yaa.. berarti tanggung jawab di pundak gw makin berat. Klise sih, tapi ada benarnya juga..
Seperti kebanyakan orang yang sedang ultah, gw memiliki beberapa wishes buat gw sendiri and jadi doa gue. Buat gw 20 itu spesial, karena merupakan titik start ke babak kehidupan baru yang ebih berbeda. Setuju? Jadi gw mau share apa aja sih yang jadi doa gw.
1. Gw pengen menjadi better person. Gw sadar gw punya banyak kekurangan yang bisa gw perbaiki. Gw tuh orangnya lambat, easily distracted, suka nunda-nunda pekerjaan, oportunis, n cuek. Ini adalah hal yang ga baik, Makanya gw pengen berubah. Gw ingin hidup gw lebih produktif lagi dan lagi.. banyak waktu, tenaga, n energi yang terbuang karena karakter-karakter jelek itu >,<
2. Gw mau mengutamakan Tuhan dan perkaraNya diatas urusan pribadi gw. Gw sering merasa hectic sendiri ngurusin hidup gw, mulai dari kuliah, kerjaan, keluarga, dan yang lainnya. At the end gw merasa hidup gw HAMPA, KOSONG, dan SIA-SIA. Gw suke merenung sendiri.. what the hell Im doing rite now? Kenapa gw kuliah? Apakah ujung2 semua ini akan membahagiakan gw? Engga.. no way. Gw mulai realize kalo hidup gw benar2 self-centered, Gw ga mikirin orang lain dan kesusahan mereka. Dalam bahasa lain, gw tuh terlalu sibuk mikirin hidup gw di dunia ini, padahal ada kekekalan yang menanti, tapi gw lupa untuk ngurusin yang itu. Akhirnya gw sering bad mood, sensi, bad tempered, frustrasi, n pengen bunuh diri abis jenuh, bosan, n stagnant. Karena terus menerus rasanya “terzolimi”, gw koreksi diri dan putusin untuk berubah. Gw mulai kembali ke nilai-nilai alkitabiah dan menemukan tujuan hidup gw. Yup, memuliakan nama Tuhan dan menggenapi amanat agung yakni membawa jiwa-jiwa bagiNya. Amiiin..
Oleh sebab itu gw mau bikin Tuhan menjadi prioritas dalam hidup gw, mulai dengan saat teduh setelah bangun pagi sebelum gw beraktivitas n even pegang hp. Gw mau ikut ibadah walau kadang overlap dengan kerjaan. Gw mau tetap stay still in the midst of raging sea (baca: hecticness).
3. Gw pengen improving diri gw dengan skill especially yang udah gw gali tapi masih setengah-setengah. Misalnya, musik.. >,< jadi sedih. Gw suka main piano, tapi gag improve2 bgt looh. Terakhir gw main Canon in D versi gw sendiri..hehehe.. pengen nambah list lagu gw. Gw juga suka nulis, Cuma gw sadar tulisan gw (literally) jelek dan alur tulisan gw random banget. Jujur gw suka nulis karena gw tau gw ga bisa nulis dengan baik. Gw juga belajar bahas Jepang, tapi sempat terbengkalai karena gw sakit2an kemaren. Sekarang gw udah sehat n gw pengen ngembangin skill gw di bahasa. Ayo donk reader, kalo baca tulisan ini dukung yaa :D
4. Gw pengen nabung.. hehhehe.. gw sebenarnya punya tabugan “terpaksa”. Mengapa terpaksa? Karena gw daftarin rekening gw di salah satu bank dimana tiap bulan tabungan gw disisihkan sekian rupiah dan ga boleh diambil-ambil sampai gw lulus kuliah. Kalo ga gitu gw ga nabung2 ntar./. hehhe..
However gw pengen menjadikan menabung sebagai karakter gw..
5. Gw pingin melakukan sesuatu yang signifikan dalam hidup gw.. apapun itu seturut panggilan dan talenta gw supaya gw bisa kontribusi sesuatu bagi masyarakat sekitar gw. Itu selalu menjadi tujuan utama gw sekolah... semoga cepat tercapai ya.. tapi tanpa dukungan kalian semua, ini mustahil gw capai.
Well.. that's all yang bisa gw share . Btw, gw suka geli baca wishes teman2 yang isinya "..lekas ketemu jodoh ya!" hahaha.. I like it and thanks yaa./. semoga Tuhan pertemukan gw dengan orang yang tepat :D
Amin amin...
xoxo
Monday, April 19, 2010
12 Characteristics of Revolutionary
Dear reader, I’d like to share with you what I have learned as I came back from Singapore when I attended G12 International Conference.
At one session, Pastor Richard Withman shared about how to be a revolutionary people. These messages have been blessing my life and so much encouraging me. In this world we can find some people that we can acclaim as a revolutionary. Let say Mahatma Gandhi, Alexander the Great, Mother Theresia, Soekarno, Barrack Obama, Mahatma Gandhi, and even Jesus. Those extraordinary people have 12 characters in common.
Now, I will elaborate this to you start from the smallest character up to the biggest character that impacting the world.
12. Creative
A revolutionary is a creative person. They could find different and unique yet efficient approach to solve many problems. Sometimes they might create a new idea or method to maintain the welfare. Being creative also means doing something not in a monotonous way. So be creative if you want to be a revolutionary.
11. against status quo
Well, what does it mean with status quo? According to the dictionary, status quo refers to the existing condition or state of affairs. A revolutionary is someone who doesn’t concern about his/her status quo in order to work for something good. Let me tell you something. One of Indonesian national hero is R. A. Kartini. She came from noble family in 1800’s and got educated because of hers social class. But she didn’t stop at there. With her experience and education she wanted to make a breakthrough that all Indonesian girls could be able attend school. At that time girls were not allowed to go to school or if she could only until certain higher level. Kartini along with her dreams and supporter fought against tradition, custom, and her status quo in effort that all Indonesian women could go to school and be well educated. So if you want to be a revolutionary don’t stay at your comfort zone and have a mindset that all the title embedded with you will not prohibit you to be ‘different’ in a good way. Even Jesus according to the Bible is a Son of God and King, yet He humbled Himself to serve His disciple and laid down His life to save us as believer. No wonder He is the most influencing person in this planet earth and until now He has the biggest followers ever.
10. Irrelevant to the system.
What am I going to talk about being irrelevant with the system is be dare enough to make your own way in legal term. I know many of you guys hate the system or rule. It is not always bad to break the rule as long as you understand the result and pay off of being breaking the rule or system. Always remember love your neighbors like you love yourself. Do anything but do not harm any people. Go far for your dream.
9. Float, not perfect.
Nobody’s perfect and everybody knows that. Since we know that there are many uncertainties in the world, it is always important to equip our plan, idea, or even our self with plan B. Back up is very important. How we could get a backup plan? Learn from experience. It could be yours as well as others. Beside, always ask the suggestion of the expert or older people. The proverbs teach us to have counsel from many people to help us to achieve our goal. But it is very important to know which suggestion or counsel is worthy to listen to. That’s why we should learn and learn to achieve perfectness.
8. They turn to their follower. What going to happen if a leader didn’t listen to their followers? Their followers would leave them, right? A revolutionary always has followers behind them. If none, then he’s not a revolutionary. In order to take care about the followers, a revolutionary should turn to them and talk about their needs. Why Mother Theresa was being famous and has many followers? because she didn’t care about herself solely, but pay extra attention to others. A revolutionary is not a selfish person. They impact others by listening and turning to others need. And remember no one become number one without contribution of others. It is important to have empathy for others. Instead of love, it is empathy that would help us to turn to other.
7. Be an Expert.
A revolutionary is well known with his/her ability. Barrack Obama is well known with his charisma in politic, Lady Gaga well known with her unique music style, or Mariah Carey with her 7-octave voice. They become history maker with their skill. How could we become an expert? It is always good to know what is your interest or talents, because interest and talents work simultaneously. We can find out them by doing some character assessment, hang out with many different people from different profession, or do many activities to find out what is your interest. If you already know what is your talent, work for it! Develop your skill and be an expert in it. Do not afraid of how to make money from your interest. Many people succeed in their career because they seek excellently in their interest and money just follows them all the way.
6. Being Hated.
Hmm.. I know this sounds NOT GOOD for many of you. But it is true, a revolutionary is always being hated by others because they against the status quo, walking in irrelevant system, creative, or even perfectionist. Many people hated Adolf Hitler for being so cruel to the Jews, yet he is a revolutionary. Same thing happens to Mahatma Gandhi. British colonial hated him because his way led Indian people against colonial but in passive way. So, stand strong in your faith, integrity, and seek excellently in whatever you do. Do not worry, thou some people hate you, there’s always be at least someone who cares about you. Always keep this in mind and do not be discouraged if someday people start to hate you. This is a step of being revolutionary.
5. Risk Taker.
Low risk, low profit. High risk, high profit.
A revolutionary dares to take high risk. It shows the world that they are men of courage and leaders. Napoleon Bonaparte took a risk in many battles and he won it. He became a great hero in French and world history. Do not afraid to take a risk. It might be “scary” but if you win it you’ll get something benefits you. But if you fail, don’t be discourage but remember there’s always be something to learn that would benefit you or others someday.
4. Passionate
Wow, passionate is the greatest motivation that brings people to achieve their dreams. Without passionate anything you do would remain in plain or vain. That’s not good, eh?
To be a revolutionary man you should have passion in live and to achieve your dreams. Passion is such a fuel for your inner motor, a battery for your body, or even energy for you to run and fly. Passion can be found from people around you, the one you loved, or your idol like your favorite politician, actress, athlete, or any figure you admire. So, be passionate. Passion will drive you to be creative and pursue excellently in your work.
3. Focus.. Focus.. Focus..
There’s power of being focused. Imagine you are holding a needle that usually used to sew. The needle has two edges. One edge is blunt and the other is sharp. The blunt edge could not used to make a small hole for sewing but the sharp point could in fact these two edges come from one needle made from same material. Why? because the sharp edge is focused. Let say that your cloth is the problem and the needle is you, if you are not focused, you could not break the cloth, but if you are focused, no matter how thick the cloth would be, it is possible for you to make a hole on it or in other word is a breakthrough. Interesting, huh?
So, do not mesmerized your live with too-many- activities. Be wise to eliminate some unproductive activities and focused on certain areas.
2. Determined
Maybe you have tried all those methods to be a revolutionary or to achieve your dream. Do not give up. Keep doing the right thing until something happened and you see the result. Be a persistent. Don’t be a hit-and-run person, but keep learning and learning. And do not be discouraged. When you are tired, it’s allowed to take a break and recharge your battery. Did you know that resting is a part of productivity? Maintaining healthy life is a part of being determined. In healthy body there’s a healthy soul and spirit. How could you become passionate if your body is tired?.
So, keep in mind to stay focused and be persistent. Do not give up. You always have capability to tackle all your problems and discouraging environment. Remember what Apostle Paul said “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
And now, the top character is...
1. Committed.
Stick and be faithful to your dream and focus. Give up everything that might not enable you to seek your dream and goal in life.
Though you are facing hard time, do not give it all away. No one could succeed in life without being committed. A revolutionary like Steve Jobs is so much dedicated with Apple. Or the extreme one is Hachiko, a Japanese dog. How he was being so much committed to his master touch many people in Japan and all over the world.
Same thing happened with Jesus. For He is so committed to His Father that He could bear all of or sin, died on the cross and rose again at the three days.
Well reader, I hope you understand what I’m trying to elaborate to you. This message has been a blessing for me and burning in my heart to pursue my dream and God’s vision in me. I want to share the blessing for you so you would be blessed to.
Love,
xoxo
At one session, Pastor Richard Withman shared about how to be a revolutionary people. These messages have been blessing my life and so much encouraging me. In this world we can find some people that we can acclaim as a revolutionary. Let say Mahatma Gandhi, Alexander the Great, Mother Theresia, Soekarno, Barrack Obama, Mahatma Gandhi, and even Jesus. Those extraordinary people have 12 characters in common.
Now, I will elaborate this to you start from the smallest character up to the biggest character that impacting the world.
12. Creative
A revolutionary is a creative person. They could find different and unique yet efficient approach to solve many problems. Sometimes they might create a new idea or method to maintain the welfare. Being creative also means doing something not in a monotonous way. So be creative if you want to be a revolutionary.
11. against status quo
Well, what does it mean with status quo? According to the dictionary, status quo refers to the existing condition or state of affairs. A revolutionary is someone who doesn’t concern about his/her status quo in order to work for something good. Let me tell you something. One of Indonesian national hero is R. A. Kartini. She came from noble family in 1800’s and got educated because of hers social class. But she didn’t stop at there. With her experience and education she wanted to make a breakthrough that all Indonesian girls could be able attend school. At that time girls were not allowed to go to school or if she could only until certain higher level. Kartini along with her dreams and supporter fought against tradition, custom, and her status quo in effort that all Indonesian women could go to school and be well educated. So if you want to be a revolutionary don’t stay at your comfort zone and have a mindset that all the title embedded with you will not prohibit you to be ‘different’ in a good way. Even Jesus according to the Bible is a Son of God and King, yet He humbled Himself to serve His disciple and laid down His life to save us as believer. No wonder He is the most influencing person in this planet earth and until now He has the biggest followers ever.
10. Irrelevant to the system.
What am I going to talk about being irrelevant with the system is be dare enough to make your own way in legal term. I know many of you guys hate the system or rule. It is not always bad to break the rule as long as you understand the result and pay off of being breaking the rule or system. Always remember love your neighbors like you love yourself. Do anything but do not harm any people. Go far for your dream.
9. Float, not perfect.
Nobody’s perfect and everybody knows that. Since we know that there are many uncertainties in the world, it is always important to equip our plan, idea, or even our self with plan B. Back up is very important. How we could get a backup plan? Learn from experience. It could be yours as well as others. Beside, always ask the suggestion of the expert or older people. The proverbs teach us to have counsel from many people to help us to achieve our goal. But it is very important to know which suggestion or counsel is worthy to listen to. That’s why we should learn and learn to achieve perfectness.
8. They turn to their follower. What going to happen if a leader didn’t listen to their followers? Their followers would leave them, right? A revolutionary always has followers behind them. If none, then he’s not a revolutionary. In order to take care about the followers, a revolutionary should turn to them and talk about their needs. Why Mother Theresa was being famous and has many followers? because she didn’t care about herself solely, but pay extra attention to others. A revolutionary is not a selfish person. They impact others by listening and turning to others need. And remember no one become number one without contribution of others. It is important to have empathy for others. Instead of love, it is empathy that would help us to turn to other.
7. Be an Expert.
A revolutionary is well known with his/her ability. Barrack Obama is well known with his charisma in politic, Lady Gaga well known with her unique music style, or Mariah Carey with her 7-octave voice. They become history maker with their skill. How could we become an expert? It is always good to know what is your interest or talents, because interest and talents work simultaneously. We can find out them by doing some character assessment, hang out with many different people from different profession, or do many activities to find out what is your interest. If you already know what is your talent, work for it! Develop your skill and be an expert in it. Do not afraid of how to make money from your interest. Many people succeed in their career because they seek excellently in their interest and money just follows them all the way.
6. Being Hated.
Hmm.. I know this sounds NOT GOOD for many of you. But it is true, a revolutionary is always being hated by others because they against the status quo, walking in irrelevant system, creative, or even perfectionist. Many people hated Adolf Hitler for being so cruel to the Jews, yet he is a revolutionary. Same thing happens to Mahatma Gandhi. British colonial hated him because his way led Indian people against colonial but in passive way. So, stand strong in your faith, integrity, and seek excellently in whatever you do. Do not worry, thou some people hate you, there’s always be at least someone who cares about you. Always keep this in mind and do not be discouraged if someday people start to hate you. This is a step of being revolutionary.
5. Risk Taker.
Low risk, low profit. High risk, high profit.
A revolutionary dares to take high risk. It shows the world that they are men of courage and leaders. Napoleon Bonaparte took a risk in many battles and he won it. He became a great hero in French and world history. Do not afraid to take a risk. It might be “scary” but if you win it you’ll get something benefits you. But if you fail, don’t be discourage but remember there’s always be something to learn that would benefit you or others someday.
4. Passionate
Wow, passionate is the greatest motivation that brings people to achieve their dreams. Without passionate anything you do would remain in plain or vain. That’s not good, eh?
To be a revolutionary man you should have passion in live and to achieve your dreams. Passion is such a fuel for your inner motor, a battery for your body, or even energy for you to run and fly. Passion can be found from people around you, the one you loved, or your idol like your favorite politician, actress, athlete, or any figure you admire. So, be passionate. Passion will drive you to be creative and pursue excellently in your work.
3. Focus.. Focus.. Focus..
There’s power of being focused. Imagine you are holding a needle that usually used to sew. The needle has two edges. One edge is blunt and the other is sharp. The blunt edge could not used to make a small hole for sewing but the sharp point could in fact these two edges come from one needle made from same material. Why? because the sharp edge is focused. Let say that your cloth is the problem and the needle is you, if you are not focused, you could not break the cloth, but if you are focused, no matter how thick the cloth would be, it is possible for you to make a hole on it or in other word is a breakthrough. Interesting, huh?
So, do not mesmerized your live with too-many- activities. Be wise to eliminate some unproductive activities and focused on certain areas.
2. Determined
Maybe you have tried all those methods to be a revolutionary or to achieve your dream. Do not give up. Keep doing the right thing until something happened and you see the result. Be a persistent. Don’t be a hit-and-run person, but keep learning and learning. And do not be discouraged. When you are tired, it’s allowed to take a break and recharge your battery. Did you know that resting is a part of productivity? Maintaining healthy life is a part of being determined. In healthy body there’s a healthy soul and spirit. How could you become passionate if your body is tired?.
So, keep in mind to stay focused and be persistent. Do not give up. You always have capability to tackle all your problems and discouraging environment. Remember what Apostle Paul said “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
And now, the top character is...
1. Committed.
Stick and be faithful to your dream and focus. Give up everything that might not enable you to seek your dream and goal in life.
Though you are facing hard time, do not give it all away. No one could succeed in life without being committed. A revolutionary like Steve Jobs is so much dedicated with Apple. Or the extreme one is Hachiko, a Japanese dog. How he was being so much committed to his master touch many people in Japan and all over the world.
Same thing happened with Jesus. For He is so committed to His Father that He could bear all of or sin, died on the cross and rose again at the three days.
Well reader, I hope you understand what I’m trying to elaborate to you. This message has been a blessing for me and burning in my heart to pursue my dream and God’s vision in me. I want to share the blessing for you so you would be blessed to.
Love,
xoxo
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Book Of Eli: Refleksi Perjuangan Iman
Teman gw cerita kalo film ini mirip-mirip film "I am Legend" yang tentang seseorang fighting banget buat survive. Cuma agak beda dikit. Masalahnya, dia ga tau bedanya dimana.
Gw langsung browsing sebelum memutuskan untuk nonton film ini. Pas gw-gw cari sinopsinya gw jadi tertarik nontonnya. Ditambah lagi katanya teman gw seseorang teman kami udah nonton and bilang ni film bgus gtu,
Akhirnya gw dan 3 teman gw nonton ni movie..
Di awal-awal ceritanya gag jelas gtu.. dan banyak adegan kekerasannya. Bahkan gw ga sanggup ngeliatnya.
Ceritanya tentang seseorang yang gw belum tau namanya siapa. Keknya dia desperate banget hidupnya. Dia tinggal di Amerika yang digambarkan geeeerrrrsaaaang banget. Banyak gambar mayat bergelimpangan dan hewan-hewan kurus kering gtu.
Orang ini benar-benar ga punya makanan dan air. Gila ga? buat makan aja dia harus hunting dulu dan yang dimakan itu kae kucing liar atau burung gtu. Bajunya kumal banget dan mandi aja susah. Gimana engga, air sulit banget.
Ternyata 30 tahun yang lalu di dunia ini terjadi perang dahsyat dan sebagian besar orang mati. Hanya sedikit yang survive. Si orang ini termasuk salah satu yang beruntung dan selamat.
Orang ini ga punya apa-apa kecuali sebuah buku yang ia baca setiap hari dan iPod yang udah butut gtu. Setiap hari dia berjalan ke barat karena itu adalah sebuah instruksi yang ia dengar didalam hatinya.
Dalam perjalanannya, ia melewati dan sempat singgah sebuah kota yang memiliki peradaban. Kota tersebut dipimpin oleh seseorang yang ambisius. Ternyata orang ini sudah lama mencari sebuah buku dan anak buahnya ga mampu mendapatkannya. At the end, ia tau kalo buku yang udah lama ia cari itu adalah buku yang dibawa-bawa oleh orang ini.
Nah, si pemimpin yang licik ini ingin memiliki buku tersebut, lalu ia menawarkan fasilitas yang nyaman sekali bagi si orang ini agar ia memberikan buku tersebut padanya. FYI, pemimpin ini memiliki sumber air pribadi looh..
Tapi orang ini kekeuh ga mau ngasih buku tersebut ke orang lain termasuk si pemimpin ini. Pemimpin ini pun kesal sehingga ia memburu orang ini. Not to mention, terjadi perkelahian sengit dan memakan banyak korban.
Bukunya apa sih?? koq segitu diperebutkannya?
Pemimpin kota itu mengatakan kalo buku itu adalah buku yang mampu mengajarkan manusia apa arti hidup ini. memberikan jawaban atas semua permasalahan manusia, dan memberikan kekuatan bagi siapa saja yang membacanya.
Pemimpin itu butuh buku itu untuk memimpin kota yang ia punya itu agar lebih makmur dan beradab.
Tetapi si Orang ini ga ijinin buku ini dipegang siapapun karena ia memiliki suatu visi yang harus ia selesaikan, yaitu buku tersebut harus ia antar kepada orang yang tepat.
Orang ini tidak tau harus kemana namun ia berkata kalau di buku itu tertulis agar ia berjalan dengan iman bukan dengan penglihatan "walk thru faith and not by sight."
Well, buku yang diperebutkan itu adalah Alkitab. Ternyata pada saat perang Alkitab ini dimusnahkan dari muka bumi dan hanya tersisa satu saja yakni yang dimiliki si orang ini.
Hei, gw ga akan ceritain semua isi filmnya. Ntar jadi spoiler. Ga asik donk
Pesen yang pengen gw sampein dari film ini adalah kita sebagai orang beriman
1. harus hidup membaca firman Tuhan setiap hari. Di film ini diceritakan bahwa Orang ini membaca buku tersebut setiap hari selama 30 tahun. 30 tahun loh teman. ga bosan-bosan ya?
iya soalnya kata orang ini buku itu memberikan ia kekuatan.
Bener loh, kalo kita lemah, kita harus baca Firman karena Firman Tuhan itu adalah makanan bagi rohani kita. Jangan selalu fokus dengan kesehatan fisik kita, jiwa dan roh kita juga perlu dikasih makan loh.
2. berjaga-jaga..
Orang ini menghadapi medan yang sangat berat. Ga jarang nyawanya terancam karena orang-orang yang selamat itu ternyata hidupnya barbar dan liar. Mereka ga segan-segan merampok dan membunuh. Namun si Orang ini selalu awas dengan senjatanya Walaupun ia tertidur ia tetap awas.
Yesus mengajarkan kita untuk berdoa dan berjaga-jaga sebab musuh kita bagaikan singa mengaum-ngaum selalu siap untuk menerkam kita. Kita harus selalu mengenakan senjata Allah sebab perlawanan kita bukan darah dan daging tetapi roh-roh jahat diudara, penguasa langit.
Di film ini digambarkan kalau adegan-adegannya sangat sadis. Tapi itu benar, di alam roh, peperangan sengit sedang terjadi. Memang darah tidak tertumpah, tetapi roh kita mengalami peperangan.
Buat kamu yang tertarik tentang dunia roh gw saranin baca buku Daud Toni seri dunia roh.
Lengkap dah diceritakan..
3. Pertahankan imanmu, jangan tergoda dengan godaan setan..
Di film ini, orang ini sempat digoda dengan wanita cantik, fasilitas, dan kenikmatan. Intinya kesenangan deeh demi buku yang ia pegang. Tetapi ia tidak tertarik, baginya buku tersebut sangat beharga daripada apapun sehingga nyawanya pun ia relakan demi buku itu.
Buku itu merepresentasikan iman kita
Sering sekali di dunia ini, demi posisi, kedudukan, pasangan hidup, prestasi, dan apapun kita menukar iman kita. Sayang sekali...
Bukankah Yesus itu lebih dari cukup bagi kita? Ia sudah merelakan nyawaNya bagi kita dan Ia juga merancang masa depan yang penuh pengharapan bagi kita. Masakan kita mau mengkhianatiNya? cukuplah Judas melakukannya.
Alkitab juga mengatakan barang siapa yang mengasihi nyawanya ia akan kehilangan nyawanya. Barang siapa tidak menyayangkan nyawanya ia akan mendapatkannya.
Eh beneran looh..
Mungkin kita ga mengorbankan iman kita, tetapi integritas kita sebagai orang beriman. Dalam hal-hal kecil kita sering kecolongan juga loh..
gw juga sih. So, yuk kita tobat bareng-bareng..
Well,
mungkin ini aja yg bisa gw bagi.. gw harap lu pada nonton filmnya dan nangkep apa sih pesan dibalik film ini.
Gw yakin kalo Tuhan pakai Hollywood untuk menjangkau umatNya. Tau ga sih kalo sekarang ini udah akhir jaman. Setan itu gencar-gencarnnya cari teman buat nemenin dia di neraka ntar. Korban utamanya ya kita, orang percaya dan beriman.
Makanya hati-hati..
Intinya film ini recommended banget.
two thumbs up!!
bless ya..
xoxo
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Happy Easter everyone!
Hi readers,
Juts wanna greet you Happy Easter.
Umm.. What did you guys have for this easter day?
Mine? i went to the church with my family. That's all..
but personally I learnt a new insight about easter.
What I learnt that celebrating easter day not with feast, but with repentence, because that's delightful for God.
Oya, I sent many sms to greet my friend about easter day. And I sent to one of my non christian friend.
"I am sorry, I am not celebrating it. We have different god and different religion."
"oh I am sorry.. we might have different religion, but we have one God. Even Pancasila admitts it.."
"Who is thiiis???"
I dont reply anymore.. I dont wanna arguing about God.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Let's Play Our Role!
Recently, I have been enjoying my morning devotional time since I started it with a commitment. What I always do is wake up around 6-7 am in the morning and have an intercession prayer plus bible reading. In addition, I read "Purpose driven life" by Rick Warren to make my devotional time 'more devoted'.
I know many of you guys had read the book few years ago and I had had it since 2007 or something? I just had no idea why should I read that book so I didn't read. But a week ago, I was thinking about that book as I saw it was in my bookshelf. Interesting, so I decided to read it.
A week goes by and I realized that the book is written in simple words easily understood by everyone. And how Warren elaborated his idea is creative yet meaningful. I have been convicted that the we are here for a purpose. God created us for a purpose and destiny. It is our task to find it out because mine and yours would be very different. But above all, our destiny and purpose should glorify our makers, its not merely for own personal sake.
Talking about purpose, I'd like to define it as 'what are our roles in this world and how we act according to it.'
I remember 2 years ago, I was in Singapore attending FCBC-GCYC (Faith Community Baptist Church - Gateway City Youth Convention) where youth from 12 countries gathered together to have this convention. There we worship, learned, and shared together. The main purpose is how we will be the light to our nation, to be a solution.
During the convention, I remember one of the speaker said this in his speech
"A nation needs you to be the light for the problems it has right now. And there are five most influencing professions that determine the nation. They are Priest, Businessmen, Politician, Education Practitioner, and Entertainer"
I was strongly convicted. I never realized it before how those professions took part in changing a nation destiny.
Now I'd like to describe those
1. Priest
Priest here is mentioned as pastor, evangelist, missionary, and whoever work in religion area. In Indonesia, we can see that how Priest affect Indonesian directly and indirectly. Let say, MUI, without its permission giving "Halal" mark on a food, that's food is almost impossible to be a mass consumption.
Priest have been an answer to a nation, especially for drug users, hopeless (HIV infected person, deathly disease victims, catastrophic victims), orphanage, and many more. Usually these kind of people are being taken care of churches or mosque or religious organization.
Beside, their contribution has big impact toward individual or social cultures and norms. That's why we should appreciate those who involved in this area and encourage anyone who wants to involve in. Being a priest is a noble profession, regardless the income they would gain. Look at Mother Theresa, how her compassion touches Calcutta, India, and all over the world.
2. Businessmen (or in a market place)
Businessmen controls economic and monetary system of a nation. Their presences determines how a country will grow, how much investment will arise, how many unemployment will be hired. In one word, we can say that businessmen controls nation welfare, because they make money circulate and work in a nation.
Why do we need a believer to be a businessmen or being in a marketplace?
many people relating businessmen as a cheater or dirty job, but in other hand many people for them to find a job or a hand to lend them money. If businessmen are God's fearing people, imagine how many people would they influence? Let say a boss of a company who employs 4 employees? If he were a God fearing person and lead his company according to the Biblical values and norms, I believe this company would be an ethical company who consider to the wellness of its stakeholders (shareholders, employees, suppliers, consumers, society, government, and environment). At the other side, he would be able to show the love of Christ to his employee and by doing so there's a big chance for the employee (and other parties) to be SAVED. Isn't that amazing?
At the market place, we also need God's fearing professional who works ethically and avoids corruption. Believe it or not, latest global crisis happened because the professional involved in property and financial institution acted unethically. Little actions they did, without they realized it, brought world in big trouble.
3. Politician and Government Officers
I believe everyone knows that politicians play important role in a nation, especially when it deals with public interest. A wicked politician would kill a nation. Let say Hitler, he led Germany in world war 2 and put Jewish in a genocide where almost 6 millions jewish died at that time (imagine half Jakartans died being killed by one person and one of them is your love one). Also Pol Pot in Cambodia, how he killed many innocent cambodians. Nowadays. it might not happen anymore, where people are getting well educated. The 'war' could happen when a political party wanted to imposed ungodly paradigm (Pemberontakan G30SPKI), or they declared a law that prohibit us to worship God freely (like what was happened in Uni Soviet, and also Daniel's time).
That's why we need politician to sit sounding the voice of truth to protect, especially, us as believer and for this country sake. Because without God, our country would be perish.
For example, United States was head to head with Uni Soviet. They both were super power countries, but Uni Soviet was collapsed. United States believed in God, while Uni Soviet was a communism country.
4.Entertainer
I bet many of you are surprised to know how entertainer influenced a nation. Me either. But it is sooo true. Who didn't know Elvis Presley? Michael Jackson? Madonna? Agnes Monica? Tora Sudiro? Siti Nurhaliza? Miyabi? most of you guys know them, eh?
Everybody admires other in his heart. Like me, I do like Agnes Monica, so she becomes my inspiration. I update her news, I listen to her music, and many more I do about her.
Have you ever heard how many of MJ fans commited suicide to accompany their idol in 'another world'. Or how people dress up like Avril Lavigne, Elvis, or Mulan Jameela?
We can conclude that entertainer has big impact toward a nation, especially for young people.
A nation really really needs a God fearing entertainer to lead it to a right path of life. In Indonesia I do appreciate Ari Wibowo, a former action actor who repented and now serve The Lord and people with his popularity (in a good way tho), also Nafa Urbach, Ruth Sahanaya, Nikita, and others. They have been a very good role model to many people. To bring people to God, show people good example by not taking any drugs, living in free-sex life, and not being arrogant. How many of their fans live would be saved thru the popularity they have? A lot..
5. Education Practitioner
This part is played by teacher, lecturer, professor, and anyone who takes part in education institutional. School is a place where many people from toddler until adult study and learn. They learn many things from reading, writing, singing, and how to behave toward themselves and others. Many school operate inline with biblical norms and values. It encourages students to pray before and after the class, to forgive, to worship God, and to behave according to God's law. A believer teacher will lead student to understand that God does exist beyond all this knowledge. Especially when they deal with Darwins revolutions law, how our solar system started, and many scientific issues which lead students to questioning does God exist or not.
Even Einstein believed in God..
Those 5 professions have big impact toward a nation. Which one are you? Are you called to be a priest? businessmen? politician? education practitioner? or entertainer?
Whatever it is, play your role as good as you can do, as for God not for a man. Putting God first as our priority above our self-interest:money, pride, position, will glorify God in our life and would bring bigger impact toward our society.
We could have won many achievements, medals, and trophies, but we are still no one until we win soul(s) for Christ.
I have been talking and talking, now I want to hear from you, guys!!!
thanks for reading :)
Indonesian and Vietnamese delegations posed together during the convention.
I know many of you guys had read the book few years ago and I had had it since 2007 or something? I just had no idea why should I read that book so I didn't read. But a week ago, I was thinking about that book as I saw it was in my bookshelf. Interesting, so I decided to read it.
A week goes by and I realized that the book is written in simple words easily understood by everyone. And how Warren elaborated his idea is creative yet meaningful. I have been convicted that the we are here for a purpose. God created us for a purpose and destiny. It is our task to find it out because mine and yours would be very different. But above all, our destiny and purpose should glorify our makers, its not merely for own personal sake.
Talking about purpose, I'd like to define it as 'what are our roles in this world and how we act according to it.'
I remember 2 years ago, I was in Singapore attending FCBC-GCYC (Faith Community Baptist Church - Gateway City Youth Convention) where youth from 12 countries gathered together to have this convention. There we worship, learned, and shared together. The main purpose is how we will be the light to our nation, to be a solution.
During the convention, I remember one of the speaker said this in his speech
"A nation needs you to be the light for the problems it has right now. And there are five most influencing professions that determine the nation. They are Priest, Businessmen, Politician, Education Practitioner, and Entertainer"
I was strongly convicted. I never realized it before how those professions took part in changing a nation destiny.
Now I'd like to describe those
1. Priest
Priest here is mentioned as pastor, evangelist, missionary, and whoever work in religion area. In Indonesia, we can see that how Priest affect Indonesian directly and indirectly. Let say, MUI, without its permission giving "Halal" mark on a food, that's food is almost impossible to be a mass consumption.
Priest have been an answer to a nation, especially for drug users, hopeless (HIV infected person, deathly disease victims, catastrophic victims), orphanage, and many more. Usually these kind of people are being taken care of churches or mosque or religious organization.
Beside, their contribution has big impact toward individual or social cultures and norms. That's why we should appreciate those who involved in this area and encourage anyone who wants to involve in. Being a priest is a noble profession, regardless the income they would gain. Look at Mother Theresa, how her compassion touches Calcutta, India, and all over the world.
2. Businessmen (or in a market place)
Businessmen controls economic and monetary system of a nation. Their presences determines how a country will grow, how much investment will arise, how many unemployment will be hired. In one word, we can say that businessmen controls nation welfare, because they make money circulate and work in a nation.
Why do we need a believer to be a businessmen or being in a marketplace?
many people relating businessmen as a cheater or dirty job, but in other hand many people for them to find a job or a hand to lend them money. If businessmen are God's fearing people, imagine how many people would they influence? Let say a boss of a company who employs 4 employees? If he were a God fearing person and lead his company according to the Biblical values and norms, I believe this company would be an ethical company who consider to the wellness of its stakeholders (shareholders, employees, suppliers, consumers, society, government, and environment). At the other side, he would be able to show the love of Christ to his employee and by doing so there's a big chance for the employee (and other parties) to be SAVED. Isn't that amazing?
At the market place, we also need God's fearing professional who works ethically and avoids corruption. Believe it or not, latest global crisis happened because the professional involved in property and financial institution acted unethically. Little actions they did, without they realized it, brought world in big trouble.
3. Politician and Government Officers
I believe everyone knows that politicians play important role in a nation, especially when it deals with public interest. A wicked politician would kill a nation. Let say Hitler, he led Germany in world war 2 and put Jewish in a genocide where almost 6 millions jewish died at that time (imagine half Jakartans died being killed by one person and one of them is your love one). Also Pol Pot in Cambodia, how he killed many innocent cambodians. Nowadays. it might not happen anymore, where people are getting well educated. The 'war' could happen when a political party wanted to imposed ungodly paradigm (Pemberontakan G30SPKI), or they declared a law that prohibit us to worship God freely (like what was happened in Uni Soviet, and also Daniel's time).
That's why we need politician to sit sounding the voice of truth to protect, especially, us as believer and for this country sake. Because without God, our country would be perish.
For example, United States was head to head with Uni Soviet. They both were super power countries, but Uni Soviet was collapsed. United States believed in God, while Uni Soviet was a communism country.
4.Entertainer
I bet many of you are surprised to know how entertainer influenced a nation. Me either. But it is sooo true. Who didn't know Elvis Presley? Michael Jackson? Madonna? Agnes Monica? Tora Sudiro? Siti Nurhaliza? Miyabi? most of you guys know them, eh?
Everybody admires other in his heart. Like me, I do like Agnes Monica, so she becomes my inspiration. I update her news, I listen to her music, and many more I do about her.
Have you ever heard how many of MJ fans commited suicide to accompany their idol in 'another world'. Or how people dress up like Avril Lavigne, Elvis, or Mulan Jameela?
We can conclude that entertainer has big impact toward a nation, especially for young people.
A nation really really needs a God fearing entertainer to lead it to a right path of life. In Indonesia I do appreciate Ari Wibowo, a former action actor who repented and now serve The Lord and people with his popularity (in a good way tho), also Nafa Urbach, Ruth Sahanaya, Nikita, and others. They have been a very good role model to many people. To bring people to God, show people good example by not taking any drugs, living in free-sex life, and not being arrogant. How many of their fans live would be saved thru the popularity they have? A lot..
5. Education Practitioner
This part is played by teacher, lecturer, professor, and anyone who takes part in education institutional. School is a place where many people from toddler until adult study and learn. They learn many things from reading, writing, singing, and how to behave toward themselves and others. Many school operate inline with biblical norms and values. It encourages students to pray before and after the class, to forgive, to worship God, and to behave according to God's law. A believer teacher will lead student to understand that God does exist beyond all this knowledge. Especially when they deal with Darwins revolutions law, how our solar system started, and many scientific issues which lead students to questioning does God exist or not.
Even Einstein believed in God..
Those 5 professions have big impact toward a nation. Which one are you? Are you called to be a priest? businessmen? politician? education practitioner? or entertainer?
Whatever it is, play your role as good as you can do, as for God not for a man. Putting God first as our priority above our self-interest:money, pride, position, will glorify God in our life and would bring bigger impact toward our society.
We could have won many achievements, medals, and trophies, but we are still no one until we win soul(s) for Christ.
I have been talking and talking, now I want to hear from you, guys!!!
thanks for reading :)
Indonesian and Vietnamese delegations posed together during the convention.
A Place I Called "Home"
This is a story when I had my journey to Japan. It was so amazing and has changed my life. In this note, I have a tribute to my host family, Takizawa Hiroshi and wife for all the time, laugh, moments, and chance I had with them.
First off, I'd like to share little bit about my self. I was grown up in a family where my father was very busy traveling to many places to earn money for us and my mother quite busy to raise me and my brothers up. As the eldest in the family, I must be an example for my brothers and impossible to be spoiled. It made sense to me and don't mind about those. Quite often I spoil my brothers because I love them so much.
When I was getting older and older, I became very busy with my study and any extracurricular activities so I became very rare at home. But at that time my father became less busy. In my life I spent very little time with my father. Our quality time only at dinner table.
As a child, I always wanted to experience close relationship with my parents and being spoiled, just like many other children in this world. The situation was different. Even though, it made me a tough person.
First day
It was my very first day I arrived in Narita, Japan. I didn't know how did I feel. I thought I was dreaming. At the airport, I must find my host father and I kinda forgot his face since the last time we met was on 2003. But I easily got him because he held small banner where my name was written on it.
"Ohayo gozaimase, watashiwa Euthalia desu." said I while shaking his hand. He smiled at me and led me to the parking lot. On the way he asked to bring my luggage, but I said no. He insisted so I let it be.
He looked so old now with his 71 years old age. I was wondering how could he drove me home. Then we arrived in front of his car and I was surprised that he had a sport car. On the way to home, again I was so surprised that he drove like a young man. I didn't expect he could drive like that. I came to a conclusion, he is still very healthy. Thank God.The weather at that time around 7 C. For tropical people like me it's like entering a refrigerator but he got me a coat with cap and gloves.
Finally we arrived and from the house my host mother welcomed me and said that I was much taller and bigger and also resembled with my father. She's didn't look much older than last time we met. But to be honest this couple look very healthy and happy. Btw, this couple only had one mobile phone, simple one. Really, they maximized the function rather than the hedonism lifestyle.
At home, they prepared my room with futon, mattress,and heater together. Wow, I was amazed. Very rare happens in Indonesia where couple do things together. Most often the wife becomes a maid for her husband. Then we went out for shopping for our dinner. They really cooperative in determining what to buy and not. They also suggested me to have new pants and shoes. But again I refused it.
To be honest from my first day, I could see this couple were amazing couple. I could sense that they do love one and another and very happily live together. At night while dinner we talked quite a lot. I really enjoyed that house. The house was very warm, I didn't understand was it because the heater or their love. Btw, my host father told me that he had a daughter but she died when she was 20 years old. It was 23 years ago. I never knew that before.
Second day
I woke up that morning and still could believe that I was in Japan. I was ready for bathing and breakfast. My host mother already woke up and kinda busy in the kitchen. After bathing, we sat down together and had breakfast. My host father really was a good host. He even prepared my meal and made coffee for me. I did feel awkward because in Indonesia whenever I stayed in someone house, usually I'll prepare their meal. But it was different. That day we went to Kamakura, the ancient metropolis. It was wonderful place. There's a lot beautiful temples and shrines. I must admit it was amazing place.
Third until seventh days I had such great time in Japan, from Fujisawa to Shibuya, Harajuku to Akihabara, Hakone to Odawara, Yugawara to Chiba. Many trips were only me and my host father. We spent time together and I began to know him deeper. We shared about our lives, what had happened to both of us, our dreams, and our experienced.
There's lot of things that I found in my host father personality. He is humorist, caring, well managed, and simple. There were so many things that made me amazed of him.
When we walked down the street from or to railway station, he often offered himself to carry my coat, gloves, cap, and even my bag. In fact my bag is a girly bag.
He didn't mind to get my drink and remember what's my favorite.
He also asked me if I felt warm or cold, my shoes comfort or not, hungry or full, or if I want to go to toilet. He even wanted to know if I had enough money or not and gave me some money.
There were many moments that really unforgettable. Once we went to Tokyo and had one day tour. Because of the tight schedule so we must had lunch in the bus. So, from home my host mother prepared a bento for us. In the midst of the trip, we ate together from the same lunch box and enjoyed together. Really, for me that was a precious moment. I never had the same thing with my father. I didn't know why. Maybe it's because our indonesian culture, where father are very rare close to their daughter. While the trip, he explained to me about many historical things in Tokyo. I admit that he is a genius.
In other day, we went to Yokohama and again at this time our schedule also quite tight. We went to china town in Yokohama. To save the time, we bought 2 bakpaos from the hawker. We walked down and finally found rest in the open air area where many people sat and resting. He suggested to divide each bakpaos into 2, because one filled with meat and the other with bean so we could enjoy both tastes. We sat and enjoy our bakpaos together watching people had fun with their own things. It was awesome for me. Again, I never had such a experience like that. To tell you the truth, I never walked around some places just with my dad. But that time was very different. I did enjoy it in my self. Instead the beauty of Japan it self,I really enjoyed my fellowship with my host father where I could find my self as a child with her father. At that time, that was my last time walking around Japan with him because in the evening I would be picked up by Miyashita family, friends of my father. I was so sad when I must leave him,
Another day with Miyashita family. In the sense, this family had different typicality. However, my host parents still were the best. That night I was crying in my room before I went to sleep. I did miss my room and my host family. They were really nice to me. Usually every night, I said 'oyasumi nasaii' to my host parents and they would reply it.
Well, I also like whenever my host father smiled at me. Everytime I woke up from my nap, after bathing, after meal, and everywhere. There's something that I couldn't describe with any words about how I felt whenever I had fellowship with my host parents.
In the morning, very early, I went to Tokyo Disneyland with Miyashita family. The weather was cold and rainy, I got coat from them. But I didn't expect to be that cold. Time rolled by and I realized that my coats and shoes were wet. I felt so cold and wet. I missed my host father badly because when we together, he often asked about how did I fell. In my side, I didn't fell hesitant to tell him about my feeling. I didn't enjoy Tokyo Disneyland that much instead of many attraction were in Japanese.
At the evening, I was sent to Zengyo station where my host father would pick me up. Really.. I couldn't wait to met him. Finally we arrived and my host father came with my host brother. I was so happy.
Inside the car, they asked me how was the trip. I told them how I felt including my wet shoes.
So we arrived at home and my host father suggested me to pack my stuff and take a bath that night because the day after that would be my flight to leave Japan. I finally told to my host father that I felt like at home not in foreign country and have a family here. He was quite and still for awhile then he said "in the sense, you have lived our late daughter". Oh gosh, I didn't know what to say. I was so shock. I never knew that he had that chemistry. For me he's like m father. And for him, I was a daughter.
I did what he told me and I took a bath that night. I was so silly, but while bathing I couldn't resist my tears. I didn't know why but I felt like I didn't wanna leave this family. I already found what I had sought; a family, a home, and love in this house .
After I took a bath, I went out and again, I was so surprised I found my wet shoes in front of the heater. I asked him what's happened and why. He just smiled at me and said it was okay to make my shoes dry. I was so touch. I never threatened like that before. Suddenly I remember when I was in school. I often caught in the rain and wet from my bag until my shoes. My parents didn't realized that much and they never dried my wet stuff. Well for me it wasn't a big deal. I knew my parents still love me so much. But this was very different. I couldn't believe what I saw and my feeling was so mixed. How could someone like my host father, who ever being in the highest rank of position in one of the biggest japanese automotive company, had initiative to dry shoes. Shoes, a symbol of humility. I didn't know what make him do so but caring and compassion driven by love.
Then he poke my back softly when I said 'oyasumii nasai'. I saw him smiling at me. I was trying to figure what did his eyes and smile say out. It could be he's gonna miss me or just wishing me a good sleep. I didn't know. only God and him knew.
At night, my last night in Japan.
Again, I didn't know how long I had been crying. But my heart felt very sad to leave my host parents. My heart had been drawn to them. I even thought that I must came back to this country, even just to take care them at their old days.
In the morning, I woke up and wondering how could I hide this feeling from them.
My host mother reminded me to wake up, otherwise I could be late for train. Then I got my self ready and cleaned the room as much as I could. I folded the mattress with the futon also. Then after I was done, I went down and had my last breakfast with them. Like usual, my host father prepared me a cup of coffee.
We had breakfast together. After the meal, I still had sometime then I played the piano in the house. I really enjoyed it. Then we went to train station. My host mother drove us to there. From station, we took train to Narita.
In the station while waiting I sat and trying hard to keep my feeling while my host father listening to the music through his pocket radio. I still tried to keep my tears and suddenly my host father put one of the earphone to my ear so we could enjoy the music together. Oh gosh, I was so shock yet so amazed. Really, I felt that my feeling to him that I had my own father. I believe if I were just a guest for him, he wouldn't do that to me.
Finally the train came and we got in. We sat together at the same row. We still talked lot. How his opinion about my stay in his house. He also told me that his wife really enjoy during my stay. He even said that she would came to visit me if I could work in certain countries. That's really motivating me to achieve that. Once he also told me that he wanted to see me to be someone in the future. Along our journey to Narita, we talked about many things. Even things that I never expected before. He was asking about my boyfriend and we laughed together because I said I was a single.
We arrived at Narita and he were with me untill I was about to get in to the waiting room where only passenger only could get in. He helped me to carry my luggage and check in. Then we sat together inside the airport. He told me that he had traveled to many cities that's displayed in the board inside the airport. Then finally, we must said good bye. We stood, I bowed my head and said 'sayonara, till we meet again'. I also shook his hand. After that, he's gone walking slowly away from me. I only could see his back and I didn't realize that tears were dropping by from my eyes. I felt my eyes so hot, my checked, and my back. I cried and I enter the waiting room.
So, I was in the plane. Seven hours flight from Narita to Kuala Lumpur. I couldn't handle my self. I cried and cried. I didn;t know how many tissues I had spent. I didn't care about another passenger around me and also the flight attendant. I only wanted to cry, to pour up my feelings. That was the longest time I could cry. I knew I was so silly, baka.
I missed them.. I really wanted to be with my host parents. I knew, there where my heart was, and is, and maybe will be.
Arrival at Kuala Lumpur..
I met my father in KL and I shared all my journey in Japan. I thought I must told all the goodness of my house parents. I guess he realized that I already stuck with my host parents.
Now, I came with the conclusion. My host father had tough me many things. From simplicity to humility, from caring to friendliness. He had been an inspiration and motivator for me. I pray that God will grant them with health more than wealth, with strength and joy, happiness and everlasting love.
In this case, I know I have my own parents. However I still love and will be love them always.
This is my life and my experience that something couldn't be bought with money.
I wish, whoever read this note could feel how I felt in the journey and it could inspire them.
Never Hold A Grudge
This is a true story which has touched many readers. As it is quite a long story, reserve it (if you haven't got the time) and read it only when you are in a more relaxed mood.
In either case, do make it a point to savour everyline until the end. This is for all the single, married, divorced, widowed individuals, who take life for granted.
Please, read this story until the end.. It is such an eye opener.
You never Know.........!
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us.
Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree.
You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.
I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery.
Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round.
As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets.
Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy.
I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her.
For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment:
"I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for?
You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better."
Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."
Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs.
I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure.
Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it.
Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."
There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast.
In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife?
At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice.
She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.
As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional
work for me
For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.
Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night.
I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me....
I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once?
We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"
After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house.
During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting.
At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife.
To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.
That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me:
"LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?"He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me.
After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?"
I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat.
I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not.
I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out..
Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes...
I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house.
Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs.
For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call.
I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do?
For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life..
Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor."
The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news.
Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?
At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there.
It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him.
He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart.
I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab.
At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy.
What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down.
Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes.
I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.
That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up.
I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face.
He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house.
Maybe he really intends to leave me for good.
What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters.
I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.
The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby.
I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird
look and said:
"Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."
I stood there in shock.
I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away.
Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.
I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes.
My god, how could this happen?
Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me.
I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people.
That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside.
As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...
I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....
In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him.
And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe.
I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in.
I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later.
The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other.
I am like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant.
After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes.
I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything.
The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her.
He stared back at me,challenging me.
I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death.
I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.
That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.
He did not come home anymore after that.
Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff.
I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.
I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination.
My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not..
I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room.
The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke.
On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper.
I know what it is all about without even looking at it.
In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself.
I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign."
He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine..
As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry...." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me.
Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?"
Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops.
I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now."
He did not go.
In the dark, we sat, facing each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket.
In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them.
I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me.
I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't.
In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever.
We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart.
For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional.
I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him.
From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.
Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room.
He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room.
At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet.
This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh.
He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us?
Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read.
Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full.
I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions.
He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of Spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment.
He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital.
Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite.
Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind:
In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain.
Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling.
I reached out and touched his hand.. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor.
I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his...
I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.
Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long.
I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying:
"Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.
Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and
I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:
"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now...
I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be..
But daddy now no longer has that chance.
Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....
Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey.
To be honest, daddy is very happy.
Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most....
" From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby....
My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...
These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma.
I brought our son over and place him beside him.
I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."
He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile.
Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.....
A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever...
"Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family.
Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."........
This is a true story.
LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO GRUDGES. I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of grudges and anger!
Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as well as patience.....This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift.
Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to live a life free of grudge.
In life, offenses are inevitable.
But holding a grudge is a choice we consciously make. Learn to LET GO....
To forgive others is to forgive YOURSELF. No one's perfect.
Communication is the key. It is never toooooo late to be friends.....
Life is really too short to be sad always.
In either case, do make it a point to savour everyline until the end. This is for all the single, married, divorced, widowed individuals, who take life for granted.
Please, read this story until the end.. It is such an eye opener.
You never Know.........!
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us.
Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree.
You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.
I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery.
Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round.
As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets.
Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy.
I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her.
For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment:
"I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for?
You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better."
Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."
Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs.
I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure.
Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it.
Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."
There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast.
In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife?
At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice.
She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.
As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional
work for me
For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.
Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night.
I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me....
I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once?
We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"
After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house.
During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting.
At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife.
To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.
That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me:
"LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?"He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me.
After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?"
I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat.
I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not.
I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out..
Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes...
I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house.
Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs.
For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call.
I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do?
For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life..
Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor."
The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news.
Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?
At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there.
It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him.
He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart.
I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab.
At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy.
What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down.
Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes.
I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.
That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up.
I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face.
He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house.
Maybe he really intends to leave me for good.
What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters.
I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.
The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby.
I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird
look and said:
"Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."
I stood there in shock.
I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away.
Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.
I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes.
My god, how could this happen?
Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me.
I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people.
That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside.
As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...
I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....
In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him.
And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe.
I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in.
I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later.
The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other.
I am like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant.
After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes.
I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything.
The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her.
He stared back at me,challenging me.
I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death.
I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.
That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.
He did not come home anymore after that.
Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff.
I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.
I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination.
My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not..
I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room.
The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke.
On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper.
I know what it is all about without even looking at it.
In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself.
I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign."
He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine..
As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry...." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me.
Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?"
Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops.
I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now."
He did not go.
In the dark, we sat, facing each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket.
In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them.
I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me.
I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't.
In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever.
We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart.
For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional.
I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him.
From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.
Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room.
He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room.
At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet.
This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh.
He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us?
Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read.
Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full.
I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions.
He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of Spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment.
He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital.
Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite.
Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind:
In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain.
Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling.
I reached out and touched his hand.. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor.
I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his...
I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.
Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long.
I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying:
"Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.
Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and
I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:
"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now...
I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be..
But daddy now no longer has that chance.
Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....
Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey.
To be honest, daddy is very happy.
Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most....
" From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby....
My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...
These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma.
I brought our son over and place him beside him.
I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."
He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile.
Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.....
A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever...
"Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family.
Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."........
This is a true story.
LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO GRUDGES. I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of grudges and anger!
Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as well as patience.....This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift.
Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to live a life free of grudge.
In life, offenses are inevitable.
But holding a grudge is a choice we consciously make. Learn to LET GO....
To forgive others is to forgive YOURSELF. No one's perfect.
Communication is the key. It is never toooooo late to be friends.....
Life is really too short to be sad always.
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